Couples

I’ll Take “People Who Deserve Each Other” for $200, Alex

Girl: I always clean the sheets. You never notice, but I always clean the sheets.
Guy: What? We don’t even have sheets on the bed right now.
Girl: And do you want to know why we don’t have sheets on the bed? Because the other night, after you’d bled on them–
Guy: –I bled on them because you kicked me.
Girl: I did not kick you! It was that mole — that mole that started bleeding, which I’m very concerned about, by the way. Your mole shouldn’t just start bleeding like that. But anyway, I had just cleaned the sheets, and then your mole bled on them, and I went to clean them again and I thought, ‘Why don’t I see how long it would take him to notice there aren’t even sheets on the bed?’ So that’s why we haven’t had sheets on the bed for a month.

12th and Locust
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

He Went on to Become the Nicest Lawyer in Missouri

Girlfriend: Awww, I like this. We should get it.
Boyfriend: What? What ‘we’?! I told you, I’m breaking up with you on Monday.
Girlfriend: I know. I mean, I thought you were kidding…
Boyfriend: No! Now that the bar exam is over, I can break up with you and not feel bad about it. Now that the bar is over, I can break up with you and not worry about you failing and me feeling guilty.
Girlfriend: Oh.

Bluestem Crafts
Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: Kelsey

This Wasn’t Covered During Pastoral Counseling

Woman: How would I know if you just found out?
Man, her fiancé: Well, shouldn’t you know before I know?
Woman: I never do that to myself — you do that for me!
Man: Well, it was all over my finger afterwards and under my nail — you must be on your visitor.
Woman: I didn’t know I was getting my visitor until you had some on your hand.
Man: Well, don’t you look inside yourself?! Go look inside yourself and tell me what you see!

Winking Lizard Tavern
Cleveland Heights, Ohio

I Can’t Figure Out Where It Should Go

Boyfriend: You want to hang out after your last class?
Girlfriend: I can’t. I have to get a Tetris shot.

Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Emily

Loved Her Colored Braces

Husband, after girl he knew left table: That was Joe’s* little sister’s friend.
Wife: The one he fucked in the ass?
Husband: No, that was somebody else. This one only blew him.
Wife: Oh. She seems nice.

Diner
Long Island, New York

From Jane Austen’s Nonsense and Insensibility

Guy: Hello, pot, this is the kettle! You’re black!
Girl: I am not black. What are you talking about?
Guy: It’s a metaphor. Do you know what a metaphor is?
Girl: Yes — it’s a giant flaming rock that comes out of the sky. You never make any sense.

Seattle, Washington

Works for The White House Budget Office

Girlfriend: Oooh! Baby, we should get a dozen donuts!
Boyfriend: Okay. Do you wanna pick six, and I’ll pick six? [Girlfriend gives icy stare.] Fine, you pick all twelve. I don’t care.
Girlfriend: Twelve? I said I want a dozen.
Boyfriend: Um, honey, twelve is a dozen.
Girlfriend: I know what a dozen is, and it’s not fucking twelve! I’m not fucking stupid, you know!
Boyfriend: You’re, like 25 years old! How can you not know what a dozen is?
Girlfriend: I know what a fucking dozen is! [Looks around] What the fuck are all of you laughing at?!

King Soopers Dairy
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: We were right to point and laugh

And Had Roosters Tied to Your Nipples

Girl: You were being cocky!
Upset ex-boyfriend: No, I wasn’t!
Girl: You couldn’t get any cockier if you had dicks coming out of your ears and eyeballs.

Elkhart, Indiana

Overheard by: ashley

Not If That Requires Fucking

Chick: I just don’t want any commitments right now.
Dude: Can we still be fuck-buddies?

Caribou Coffee
Mendota Heights, Minnesota

No Need for the Nuclear Option

Girl, almost running into parking meter: Whoops.
Guy: Holy crap! Did you really just do that?
Girl: Shut up. [Guy gradually edges her off to the side.] … Are you trying to make me actually run into one?! [Guy laughs.] Ughhh, I am so withholding sex.
Guy: Wait, wait! I didn’t mean it!

Church Street and 7th Avenue
Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: pedestrian

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