Girlfriend: Oooh! Baby, we should get a dozen donuts!
Boyfriend: Okay. Do you wanna pick six, and I’ll pick six? [Girlfriend gives icy stare.] Fine, you pick all twelve. I don’t care.
Girlfriend: Twelve? I said I want a dozen.
Boyfriend: Um, honey, twelve is a dozen.
Girlfriend: I know what a dozen is, and it’s not fucking twelve! I’m not fucking stupid, you know!
Boyfriend: You’re, like 25 years old! How can you not know what a dozen is?
Girlfriend: I know what a fucking dozen is! [Looks around] What the fuck are all of you laughing at?!

King Soopers Dairy
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: We were right to point and laugh

Girl: You were being cocky!
Upset ex-boyfriend: No, I wasn’t!
Girl: You couldn’t get any cockier if you had dicks coming out of your ears and eyeballs.

Elkhart, Indiana

Overheard by: ashley

Chick: I just don’t want any commitments right now.
Dude: Can we still be fuck-buddies?

Caribou Coffee
Mendota Heights, Minnesota

Girl, almost running into parking meter: Whoops.
Guy: Holy crap! Did you really just do that?
Girl: Shut up. [Guy gradually edges her off to the side.] … Are you trying to make me actually run into one?! [Guy laughs.] Ughhh, I am so withholding sex.
Guy: Wait, wait! I didn’t mean it!

Church Street and 7th Avenue
Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: pedestrian

Man: I feel it more in my shoulders than in my colon.
Woman: I don’t feel it in my colon either!

Guy to girlfriend: I wasn’t rooting for you. I was rooting for the hyenas.

Monterey, California

Overheard by: me too

Black guy kissing his girlfriend, looking into her eyes: Mmm… Your vagina’s so juicy.

Leaning on a school bus

Overheard by: Joe

Annoying girl: Are you ignoring me? Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.
Mike, apparently: God, I wish chivalry was dead.
Annoying girl: What’s chivalry?
Mike: It’s what’s keeping me from smashing your head open with my cock.

Washington, DC

Boyfriend: You know what happens when you get between me and something I want, right?
Girlfriend, on his lap: I go in the hole?
Boyfriend, puzzled: No… I… I move you out of the way…

Westfield State College
Westfield, Massachusetts

Overheard by: It was a brownie he wanted

Woman: Did you hear about the lawyer in England who wouldn’t take a Muslim woman as a client because she wore a burkha and the lawyer said she couldn’t hear her?! [Holds piece of paper over her mouth] Hello! You can still hear me, right?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Woman: I can’t believe this! They have that happen, but when a kid dressed up as a pirate and the school kicked him out he said he was a Pastafarian and they let him back in.
Boyfriend: Pastafarian?
Woman: You know, flying spaghetti monster as God, pirates are sacred…
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.

League City, Texas

Overheard by: JustWantsCoffee