Man to harried employee: I would like a latte, but please do not steam the milk any hotter than a hundred and thirty degrees…

Coffee stand, Washington National Airport
Washington, DC

Man #1: There is literally a whale driving that car. Through some form of magic, a whale was turned into a woman and is now driving a car!
Man #2: I think the whale looks pretty surprised. I would be, too, if I suddenly got turned into a woman and put in a car!

Overheard by: wyse

Guy, as girlfriend walks ahead of him into store: Don’t ever get a girlfriend, man. Fucking lunatic bitches! … She can suck a dick, though.

Gas station
Sacramento, California

Man: Decaf, please.
MBA guy: Who the fuck orders decaf? That’s like having eyes yet walking around with them closed.

College dude: She needs to get her fuckin’ face smashed in. She’s such a stupid bitch.
Friend: Who?
College dude: Janet*. I fuckin’ hate her. This is fuckin’ bullshit. [To other friend across the library] Hey, shut the fuck up down there!

577 Western Avenue
Westfield, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Annie

Dude #1: Hey man, wanna go get some things pregnant?
Dude #2: Um. What? What kind of things?
Dude #1: Just stuff. Whatever we find.

Guy #1: I totally told her I wasn’t with anyone else on my cruise, but I clearly slept with another girl!
Guy #2: Victory!

Overheard by: shannon

Dude: You should know — I’m into government intervention into every aspect of life.
Passerby: Such a fag.

Lambton Quay
New Zealand

Obnoxious 20-something chick: We went to a Yankees game and had the worst seats ever. We didn’t even see Derek Jeter’s ass! … Or anyone’s ass.

Green Bay, Wisconsin

Dude #1: So, I guess they’re selling coffee and samosas or whatever in that hallway in McConnell again.
Dude #2: Oh yeah? That’s usually pretty cheap. Hey, is it for charity?
Dude #1: Yeah, I think so.
Dude #2: Oh. Well, fuck that, then.
Dude #1: Seriously.