Guy #1: I would sacrifice myself to save the rest of the world. Wouldn’t you?
Guy #2: Naw, man. Fuck the world.

Chino, California

Girl to friends: Fuck Europe! I got Tanzania all up on my ass!

Atlanta, Georgia

Random guy: Man, you just gotta cowboy the fuck up and tell the dumb bitch you’re doing her in the ass!

Moe’s Southwest Grill
Norman, Oklahoma

Girl on bus: I’ve been trying to quit drinking and she was all like, “have some juice with me!” And then she pulls out a half gallon of vodka, and I’m all, “bitch, what you doing?”

Seattle, Washington

Crazy old white lady trying on wedding veil: So I always wondered why I didn’t look good in these things…until 2004.
Disinterested customer: Oh?
Crazy old white lady: Yeah, then I found out I was part Native American. At least 5%.
Disinterested customer (confused): Oh…?
Crazy, old white lady: Yeah. That’s why I don’t look good in veils. Cause we Native Americans don’t wear them.
Disinterested customer: I got married in a courthouse.
Crazy old white lady: I hate to say it since I am part white, but damn those white people!

Altoona, Pennsylvania

PSU freshman (attempting to flirt): Wow, that’s an amazing accent! Is it British?
Cute freshman who says Rs like Ws: Actually, it’s a speech impediment.

Overheard by: ellen

Wife: This is the last chance. I’m really going to file for divorce unless you’re willing to work at this.
Husband: I deserve someone that I won’t cheat on.

Omaha, Nebraska

Girl #1: How’s your sister?
Girl #2: She’s a whore. If she wasn’t pregnant, I’d go beat her ass.

University of New Orleans, Louisiana

Girl: She looked like a mix between a Christmas ham and a hooker.

Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: NS

Mom: That’s Hollister. Remember what I told you about Hollister?
Toddler girl: Hollister.
Mom: Hollister is for po‐sers.
Toddler girl: Posers.
Mom: Po‐sers.
Toddler girl, giggling excitedly: Posers!

Garden State Plaza
Paramus, New Jersey

Overheard by: Sar