Big sister: Look sis! This coat says it was made in Macedonia.
Little sister: Isn’t that a nut?
Macy’s at Roosevelt Field
Long Island, New York
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Patient: Yes, nuts!
Doctor: What happens when you ingest nuts?
Patient: They come out whole in my poop!
Waterloo, Iowa
Lady on PA system: United 119 passengers can claim their baggage at carousel D… D as in delicious. Delicious mango. Delicious, delicious mangoes.
Logan International Airport
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: John Y
Husband: Do you want any strawberries?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you want any pears?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you want any peaches?
Wife: No [walks away].
Husband, to clerk: I’ll take some strawberries, pears, and peaches.
Payson, Arizona
Blonde: I like berries. Kate, you should be a berry.
Kate: That can be arranged.
California
Student to friend: When she painted the banana, or vice-versa.
Colby-Sawyer College
New Hampshire
Overheard by: J.McC
Sweet old lady: Well, when we moved to Gilbert we started up a garden and thought we had volunteer tomato plants.
Sweet middle aged lady: Volunteer?
Sweet old lady: You know, they came up without us planting them. So I started watering them and giving them fertilizer, and they got pretty big. Then one day I was eating dinner and I saw a boy jump over our fence in the back, rip out one of the plants, and take off with it!
Sweet middle aged lady: He stole a tomato plant?
Sweet old lady: Well, there was a sheriff down the street a few days later, so I told him about it. He came over to look at them, and told me they were marijuana plants!
Sweet middle aged lady: They weren't tomatoes?
Sweet old lady: I thought they were, but whoever lived there before us must have planted marijuana in their yard, and when I started watering they sprung up again.
Sweet middle aged lady: That gives me a funny feeling, knowing your house had drug users in it.
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Mia
Chick: … But it’s only about the size of a strawberry.
Dude: And all I’m saying is that a strategically placed strawberry can exert a surprising amount of pressure.
Random passerby: Right on!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: snickerpants
Guy #1: What are those, zucchini?
Guy #2, with sandwich: No, they're cucumbers.
Girl: Oh please, they're like the same thing.
Guy #2: No, they're totally different. Not every phallic-shaped green vegetable is the same thing.
Girl (pauses): Why does everything have to be about penises with you?
San Diego, California
Overheard by: i just came here to clean the air ducts
