Gossip

Because “Wal-Mart” and “Rich People” Are Practically Synonymous

Old lady #1: There’s this neighborhood in Chicago that is absolutely infested with serial killers. Their solution to this was to build a Wal-Mart to bring rich, white people in.
Old lady #2: Did it help?
Old lady #1: No. One of the serial killer victims that was left for dead gave a description for a drawing, and nobody has seen him.
Old lady #2: Maybe he’s locked up during the day. Maybe he’s retarded and lives in a home and sneaks out only at night when no one will notice him.

Oakland, California

Overheard by: Perplexed Cal student

Some Lines Are More Important Than Others

Queer to another: Wait — you traded Botox for coke?!

Universal CityWalk
Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Gluey

How Structural Engineers Unwind

Girl: That orgy was like Legos — anyone and everyone on top of each other! You didn’t know what was what, who was who, where someone began or where did they end. It was just a big pile of human building blocks of pleasure.

Wonka Bar
Curitiba
Brazil

And That’s My Oral Report on Aretha Franklin

Nerd: She looks like Shrek, but she sings well.

School bus
Northern Virginia

Overheard by: Alanna

I Left Him with an Iron and a Bathtub to Amuse Himself

Mom, oblivious to sons sliding on ice through parking lot: So, I guess we want a tree that’s really tall, but not too wide…
Lady, wincing every time boys slide near a moving car: Wow, those two must be a handful, huh?
Mom: Oh, yeah. Actually, I have three, but the youngest is at home because he broke his neck and he’s too hard to cart around.

Syracuse, New York

… And a Smelly Big Toe Is Not a Medical Concern

Surgeon #1: … So I told him, ‘If you just stop putting it in your ass, you won’t have that problem!’
Surgeon #2: Yeah.

Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital
New Brunswick, New Jersey

Vegetarian Junkies Are So Nervous around Kids

Man: I’ve got basically everything I need — I’ve got the lentils and the sauce. All I need is the methadone and a babysitter.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Gavin

That’s Why You Don’t Teach a Three-Year-Old How to Use the Phone

Girl on cell in stall: She’s crazy. She called me this weekend saying that she had been kidnapped. Isn’t that weird? No, I didn’t call her back.

Library restroom, Westchester Community College
Valhalla, New York

Overheard by: Catie

I Only Stayed Through the Bomb Scare and the Jell-O Wrestling

Undergrad girl in pajamas: … So then the cops realized that they had the wrong guy on his knees.
Undergrad friend in pajamas: What? Why?
Undergrad girl in pajamas: ‘Cause the guy who did it had a ponytail.
Undergrad friend in pajamas: Damn! The coolest stuff happens after I leave.

Tufts University dining hall
Medford, Massachusetts

And We’ll Really Try Not to Roll Over and Squish You This Time

Father to baby: Mommy and I are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Yes we are! And we’re gonna make sure we don’t have another baby like we did last time. [Baby starts to laugh and coo.]

Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey

Overheard by: Why do I work here?

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