Washington, DC

Man to harried employee: I would like a latte, but please do not steam the milk any hotter than a hundred and thirty degrees…

Coffee stand, Washington National Airport
Washington, DC

Mom reading book: This says ‘odd.’ Do you know what ‘odd’ means? It means something is funny or weird. Like when you said you wanted to eat a rock — that was odd.

Red Line train
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Sitting behind them trying not to laugh

Annoying girl: Are you ignoring me? Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.
Mike, apparently: God, I wish chivalry was dead.
Annoying girl: What’s chivalry?
Mike: It’s what’s keeping me from smashing your head open with my cock.

Washington, DC

Park ranger on horseback to another: We have to stay inside the perimeter or else… [thoughtful pause]… we will be outside the perimeter.

National Mall
Washington, DC

Overheard by: three amigas

College guy to group, confused by crowd at ten a.m.: I always forget there’s this whole subculture of people who get up before noon.

Connecticut Avenue and R Street
Washington, DC

Old frat boy #1: Yeah, dude, I really need to get my stuff together. I’ve already graduated college and I still live like I’m in college.
Old frat boy #2: Yeah, don’t mess around and end up like Mike* — he’s about to have a second kid. Both of them were mistakes.
Old frat boy #1: Yeah, I always make the girls I have sex with stand on their heads after. I’m so glad that urban legend is true.
Old frat boy #2: Haha, yeah, I always make the girls I hook up with do post-coital jumping jacks.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Tyler

Large middle-aged man with many teddy bears strapped to his fanny pack: Have you seen the penis worm?

Smithsonian Museum of Natural History
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Hadn't seen it

Frat boy: Indian food can't be any good! I mean, if it was, they'd have chain restaurants!

Washington, DC

Drunk girl #1, in bathroom: So I told her she just needed to remove her vagina, put on a cock and man up!
Drunk girl #2: Totally.

Bathroom, Rocket Bar
Washington, DC

Tourist lady, as train approaches the end of the line: So how are they going to turn this train around?
Daughter: They don't have to. It can go in either direction.
Tourist lady: Well, are they at least going to turn the seats around?

Washington, DC