On the phone

Girl on cell, completely serious: There’s a party tonight, and the theme is bunnies.


30-year-old woman on cell: I think I should just call Lisa* and ask her if she has cancer, because she is way too normal. There has to be something wrong with her.

Ferry line
Nantucket, Massachusetts

Girl on cell: He had stubby fingers. Little stubby butcher’s fingers. You wouldn’t want to feel those caressing your body… He was a good lay, though.


Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I couldn’t stop putting my tongue in them for, like, two months.

St. Paul International Airport
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Anna

Chick on cell: You don’t need handcuffs for that. Just use duct tape. Duct tape works for everything. Even butt cheeks!

Hawthorne, California

Overheard by: smooph

Freshman girl on phone: You're not gonna get HIV from kissing some random… (pause) What? (pause) Well, does he have sores on his lips?

UCSB Dorms

Overheard by: KLaugh

Confused guy on cell: What I don’t get is, what part of the country are there people like this? I mean, I draw the line at spitting in someone’s asshole!

Raleigh, North Carolina

Overheard by: whylime

Girl on cell: I just heard the most epic pickup line. Like, if Homer had known this pickup line it would have been all over The Odyssey.

Northwestern University

Suit on cell: I don’t know much about this party he’s throwing, other than he got me a pregnant stripper.

Del Monte Shopping Center
Monterey, California

Overheard by: Amy

Big dude on phone: Yeah, I am feeling better… I woke up at four a.m. this morning, but it’s okay — I’m taking that euthanasia stuff and it seems to be helping.

Tram, Victoria Street
Melbourne, Victoria

Overheard by: Louise