Drunks

Don’t Have to Be Miss Cleo to Know How This Ends

Drunk guy #1 to guy he just met: I just get sick of people when they come over. My dad, my brother — after an hour, I’m sick of them.
Drunk guy #2: Oh, yeah?
Drunk guy #1: Yeah. And another thing I hate? Let’s say you come over tonight and spend the night — you can’t sleep on the couch.
Drunk guy #2: Why not? Where would I sleep?
Drunk guy #1: Because there are no sheets on it! I don’t want your body fluids on my couch. But you could sleep in the bed.

Panini’s
Cleveland Heights, Ohio

Overheard by: Is that an offer?

Good Point. From Now on, I’ll Just Yell about Yours

Dude: So, is it true that you have herpes?
Drunk girl #1: What?! No!
Dude: Thank god!
Drunk girl #1: I had chlamydia and now I have HPV. I only told two people, and now the whole town thinks I have herpes!
Dude: [Stares.]Drunk girl #1, crying: Why does everyone know about my diseases?!
Drunk girl #2: Because you go to the bar, get trashed, and yell about it?

Bar
Newark, Ohio

Here’s a Coloring Book to Occupy You Otherwise

Bar fly to another entering bathroom: … And don’t go sticking your dick in my kebab again!

Enmore
Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Algy_non

According to This Fortune Cookie

Extremely drunk man: You know, I don’t think prime numbers are going to introduce us to aliens… But I think Chuck Berry will.

The Old Hole
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: E

You’d Be Better Off Addressing Your Bladder

Drunken 50-year-old to his penis: Come on! Pee! Pee until you can’t pee no more, bitch.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Hiding Roommate

But She Spent It, So Can We Move On?

Drunken bimbette: First of all, Francesca feels really bad about taking my dad’s money when he was in a coma…

Sinbad’s
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: another margarita, please!

We’re Roommates

Bartender: You again? I see you everywhere — you’re like a sewer rat.
Drunk guy: Well, I am an alcoholic.

Cedar Falls, Iowa

Overheard by: doe

I Can Only Tolerate the Illusion Of Clean

Semi-drunk girl in pub crawl attire: I hate Windex, but I fuckin' love Febreze!

Toronto
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: History Major

Left Mammary in the Corner Pocket

Drunk watching a pool game: You’re a retard!
Girl playing pool: I’m a retard? I’m not the one with chalk on my nipples!

Kansas

Thanks, Make-a-Wish Foundation!

Drunk girl in bar during Rose Bowl: It's official–I'm going to be ovulating on my wedding day.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Double V

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