And Never Underestimate Their Surgical Dexterity

Pilot #1: He flew to Myrtle Beach to meet some girl he met online. We were expecting to find him naked in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.
Flight attendant: Who would want his kidney? He's so short!
Pilot #2: Hey, kids need kidneys too! Little kids!

Atlanta, Georgia

Posted on April 17, 2021
Flight attendants, Georgia, Health & Hygiene, Internet, Kids, Pilots, Weirdness, Wishes

We'd Hate to Hear Him in Bed

Pilot over intercom after rough landing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes galloping sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong animal.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: kayla

Posted on October 19, 2020
Airports & flights, Animals, Default, Pilots, Public transportation, Texas, Weirdness

Now Everyone Fasten Their Duct Tape — We’re about to Take Off

Pilot: There is no smoking on this aircraft. The penalty for smoking is two thousand dollars. If you had that kind of money, you’d probably be flying United.

Southwest Airlines flight

Overheard by: broke

Posted on June 9, 2020
Airports & flights, Pilots, Threats

We'll Be Departing Just As Soon As These Pills Wear Off

Pilot over loudspeaker (riffing on harmonica): This is your captain speaking, (harmonica riff) Welcome aboard, (harmonica riff) Please fasten your seat belts. (harmonica riff) Or we won't be able to leave beautiful Atlanta, Georgia.
(does long, jazzy harmonica riff. Passengers applaud)
Pilot (in Elvis voice): Thank you very much.

American Airlines Flight
Atlanta, Georgia

Posted on December 31, 2019
Airports & flights, Default, Georgia, Music, Nipples, Offers and requests, Pilots, Public transportation

Also, He's a Cocker Spaniel.

Pilot, on PA system, after a slightly bumpy landing: Ladies and gentlemen, that landing was not me or the plane. That was our co-pilot–he's required to complete one landing a month. And he blew it. Welcome to Chicago.

Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Nonplussed Passenger

Posted on October 23, 2019
Compare and contrast, Illinois, Pilots, Plane, Stupidity

And If You Could Pass to the Front Your Wallets and Jewelry, That Would Be Awesome– Thanks!

Pilot to passengers: Everyone, please make sure your seatbelts are fastened. I'm gonna fly this plane like I stole it.

Flight from Nashville, Tennessee

Posted on July 24, 2015
Advice, Airports & flights, Default, Offers and requests, Pilots, Public transportation, Tennessee, Weirdness

NewsFlash: Englishman Has Sense Of Humor. Film at 11.

Pilot, after riding tarmac for 20 minutes: Ladies and gentleman, this concludes our first two miles of our trip from London-Heahtrow International to Newark International. We do hope you enjoyed our lovely tarmac. The flight will commence once air traffic gives the all-clear for takeoff.

Heathrow International Airport
London
England

Overheard by: tired traveler

Posted on June 4, 2015
Airports & flights, England, Pilots, Public transportation, Stupidity

Which They’ll Provide in Both the Front and the Tail

Pilot: We’ll be flying with our team of flight attendants today, and of course we’ll be looking forward to the great service they provide… [Awkward laugh] The great service they provide to you, of course.

American Airlines flight

Overheard by: not that kind of service