Flight attendants

Flight attendant: Should the overhead oxygen masks deploy, please put the mask around your face as I will now demonstrate… [Puts mask on, then breathes heavily] Luuuke, I am your father…

US Airways flight to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally arrived at a gate. Please make sure you have all your personal belongings before you disembark: iPods, cell phones, BlackBerrys, small pets, sweaters, sunglasses, and since we just came from Las Vegas, wedding rings. Make sure you get those back on folks.

Oakland Airport, California

Overheard by: kat

Flight attendant: Contrary to popular belief, pushing the button with the flight attendant on it will not turn your flight attendant on. So don't push it.

Flight to New York

Overheard by: Erica Lynn

Stewardess: Sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen. The first two planes we tried didn't work, so this is the third one and we made it here okay…so, so far, so good!

Airport Runway
Cabo San Lucas

Stewardess: Wave hi to my ex-husband and his new wife as they pass by.

Southwest Airlines Flight
Houston to New Orleans

Overheard by: Passenger A 44

Male flight attendant: This will be a miserable flight. It’ll be really turbulent and then we’ll end up in New Jersey.

Flight into Newark Airport

Pilot #1: He flew to Myrtle Beach to meet some girl he met online. We were expecting to find him naked in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.
Flight attendant: Who would want his kidney? He's so short!
Pilot #2: Hey, kids need kidneys too! Little kids!

Atlanta, Georgia

Passenger trying to find lost baggage: Excuse me! Do you work for United?
Airline steward: No! Oh no! Thank god!

P.E. Trudeau Airport

Angry suit: When is this plane going to take off? I have a very important meeting to get to!
Flight attendant: The incoming plane is delayed, sir, there's nothing we can do at the moment.
Angry suit: Well, are you going to make arrangements for me to get on another flight? This is urgent! Do you know who I am?
Flight attendant (over loudspeaker): Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, there is a gentleman at the desk who does not know who he is. If anyone has any information about his identity, please come forward.

Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Female flight attendant (managing to bump beverage cart into a seat): Whoops, sorry! Woman driver!

Flight over Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Gaby Young