Pilot over PA, after taxiing to the gate for ten minutes: Let me know if you guys see something that looks like an airport.

Denver International Airport
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: they're not kidding about being the country's biggest airport

Pilot: Sit back and relax! We’ll be in Indy in about an hour and 55 minutes. [Mic clicks off, then back on.] Uh… We’ll be in Boston. You know where you’re going.

US Airways flight
Indianapolis to Boston

Overheard by: Anna Mousey

Captain on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, just wanted to let you know the reason this flight was delayed. The plane collided with a bird upon landing. It's no big deal; it just hit a body part. The bird is okay.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle (who is skeptical about the well-being of the bird)

Pilot #1: He flew to Myrtle Beach to meet some girl he met online. We were expecting to find him naked in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.
Flight attendant: Who would want his kidney? He's so short!
Pilot #2: Hey, kids need kidneys too! Little kids!

Atlanta, Georgia

Pilot over intercom after rough landing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes galloping sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong animal.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: kayla

Pilot: There is no smoking on this aircraft. The penalty for smoking is two thousand dollars. If you had that kind of money, you’d probably be flying United.

Southwest Airlines flight

Overheard by: broke

Pilot over loudspeaker (riffing on harmonica): This is your captain speaking, (harmonica riff) Welcome aboard, (harmonica riff) Please fasten your seat belts. (harmonica riff) Or we won't be able to leave beautiful Atlanta, Georgia.
(does long, jazzy harmonica riff. Passengers applaud)
Pilot (in Elvis voice): Thank you very much.

American Airlines Flight
Atlanta, Georgia

Pilot, on PA system, after a slightly bumpy landing: Ladies and gentlemen, that landing was not me or the plane. That was our co-pilot–he's required to complete one landing a month. And he blew it. Welcome to Chicago.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Nonplussed Passenger

Pilot to passengers: Everyone, please make sure your seatbelts are fastened. I'm gonna fly this plane like I stole it.

Flight from Nashville, Tennessee

Pilot, after riding tarmac for 20 minutes: Ladies and gentleman, this concludes our first two miles of our trip from London-Heahtrow International to Newark International. We do hope you enjoyed our lovely tarmac. The flight will commence once air traffic gives the all-clear for takeoff.

Heathrow International Airport

Overheard by: tired traveler