Pilot: Sit back and relax! We’ll be in Indy in about an hour and 55 minutes. [Mic clicks off, then back on.] Uh… We’ll be in Boston. You know where you’re going.

US Airways flight
Indianapolis to Boston

Overheard by: Anna Mousey

Pilot, on PA system, after a slightly bumpy landing: Ladies and gentlemen, that landing was not me or the plane. That was our co-pilot–he's required to complete one landing a month. And he blew it. Welcome to Chicago.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Nonplussed Passenger

Captain: Welcome to JetBlue! I am your captain, Greg, and sitting next to me is your co-captain… also Greg.

Flight to Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Chelsea

Midwestern guy to friend: So, I'm out shootin' in my yard and I saw this pipe stickin' out the ground! So I shoot it. Now, the minute I shoot I know I shouldn't have done that. So the damn pipe explodes!

Flight over Utah

Flight attendant: And if you have smelly, I mean “small” children with you, you may disembark before other passengers. Thank you for flying Jetstar, we hope to see your ugly, I mean “lovely” faces again.

Jetstar Flight

Hungover girl: Oh my god! Look at my hair, it's a mess! I look like a horse's vagina!

Flight above London

Flight attendant: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard flight 1751 to Raleigh-Durham. My name is John and I am your head flight attendant today. I will be assisted by my lovely fiancee Sarah and my ex-wife Jill. It may be a little awkward but we hope you have a pleasant flight.

Atlanta, Georgia

Pilot over loudspeaker: It’s 40 degrees outside and sunny, and we will be landing shortly. Welcome to… Where are we? Oh. Philadelphia! Welcome to Philadelphia!

Flight over Pennsylvania

Overheard by: And he’s flying this plane?