Chick #1, fawning over little pup: Oh my god, he is sooo adorable. Hellooo! Hellooo there, little guy! Awww, so cute. [She and her friend walk away.]Chick #2: Oh, he was so cute! I wish I could have one.
Chick #1: I wish I could have stepped on the little thing and squished its little head.

Mom: A 21‐year‐old girl from Oshkosh died today, but they aren’t saying how.
College daughter: A house blew up this morning… Well, a mobile home, actually.
Mom: And it killed that 21‐year‐old girl?!
College daughter: Well, no. They’re unrelated. Actually, I’m just trying to upstage you… But a house really did blow up.

Appleton, Wisconsin

Children librarian, about girl scout troop outside: Um…they’re throwing rocks at the windows.

Suburbia, Illinois

Overheard by: martha

Random guy: Man, you just gotta cowboy the fuck up and tell the dumb bitch you’re doing her in the ass!

Moe’s Southwest Grill
Norman, Oklahoma

Mom: I don’t wanna be finding knives in the lawn anymore!
20‐year‐old son: Where’s my sword?

San Diego, California

Overheard by: tab

Sweet‐ass security guard: Miss, you’re going to have to hang up your phone and run it through the machine.
20‐something girl intern: But I’m not a terrorist, and I’m on an important call. Can’t I just walk through?
Sweet‐ass security guard: Miss, that would be like Timothy McVeigh driving up and asking “hey, can I park my car here?”

Overheard by: Ian

20‐something woman #1: I have mixed feelings about this bar and grill.
20‐something man: I hate this bar and grill.
20‐something woman #2: I’m gonna burn down this bar and grill!

Las Vegas, Nevada

Teenage ghetto boy: That’d be great, man, if everyone died … They’d be gone, and we could take all their cars!

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Claire

Taxi cab driver: She ain’t big, but she ain’t little, you know. (pause) Broke that bottle over Anna head, but she mean well.

Sierra Vista, Arizona

Overheard by: K

Reporter, at man’s house after he hit someone at a kids’ soccer game: Sir, how do you feel about your behavior?
Man, coming up to the door holding bowl of macaroni and cheese: I am ashamed. I slap my own face.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin