Mom to screaming toddlers: No! You are the noisiest humans I’ve ever seen!

Franklin, Tennessee

Seven-year-old son: And then you two are going to go home and… (whistles)
Father: Meaning?
Seven-year-old son: Have sex.
Mother: Darren!
Five-year-old son: Don't be silly! Girls don't have sex.


Overheard by: Bleep

Woman: We are having more kids, dammit!

Fort Worth, Texas

Mom, with neck tattoo reading “ape” to toddler daughter picking produce: Put that back. That is not what you think it is.

Tulsa, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Kathyp

Guy: I don’t mean children should burn in hell, just burn a little. Like their hands.


Girl #1: She’s pregnant? I thought she was on birth control?
Girl #2: She still is.
Girl #1: Isn’t that bad for the baby?
Girl #2: Not really, all that will happen is if it’s a boy, it will start looking more like a girl…
Girl #1: That’s messed up.

Bathroom Stall, Nutty Irishman Bar
Farmingdale, New York

Overheard by: Jennifer

Mother: Just sit there a minute. I need to go say goodbye to Jamie*.
Three-year-old boy, buckled into stroller, trying to stand: Let me out of this booby trap!

County Fair
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Cat

Boy to friend: I'm totally capable of giving birth to a live teddy bear.

High School
Clarksville, Maryland

Black woman, to friend: I love Costco. It makes me like, want to have five kids.

King of Prussia, Pennsylvania

Man: What does it say in the bible about punching your son in the face?

Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: wondering the same thing myself