Mom to little kid: Shhh! She can’t help it if she’s fat!

Tucson, Arizona

Random guy: Man, you just gotta cowboy the fuck up and tell the dumb bitch you’re doing her in the ass!

Moe’s Southwest Grill
Norman, Oklahoma

Conductor: I don’t wee in your house, so you don’t wee in my station.

Girl, about guy she had over the previous night: It freaked me out. I told him he had to do a double flush, a courtesy flush, and light a match, or he wasn’t allowed back.

Overheard by:

We Thought Only Americans Knew This Little About Sex Ed.

[Line for ladies’ room]Girl #1: Hi, do you mind if I cut in front of you? It’s urgent.
Girl #2: Sure.
Girl #1: Thanks, I have to change my tampon.
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]Girl #1: I have to make sure I change it often. Not too often, because once I changed it too much and got chlamydia.
Girl #2: Oh…[Suppresses laugh.] 

Western Australia

WASPy college student to cab driver: You’re absolutely right, sir. A curse upon the Saudis.

Girl in car, while on cell phone: I was coughing because I was eating a cookie while trying to have sex!

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Squid

Chick on cell: Okay, good luck with the bees and good luck with the scoliosis.

Old teacher, about middle school student: Johnny’s fine until he has an audience. Then he gets all gang‐bangy and tries to screw Mrs. Smith.
Young teacher: Please don’t ever say that again.

Redlands, California

Woman: So, we didn’t check the restaurants to see if they had a dress code, so we couldn’t eat anywhere because you had to wear pants.

Overheard by: sxoidmal