Nurse on phone: Are you sexually active? … Okay, that’s usually a ‘yes’ or a ‘no.’

Tang Center Urgent Care
Berkeley, California

Nurse: Mr. Oberman*?
Mr. Oberman: Yes?
Nurse: Are you still here?

Waiting room
Hampton, Virginia

Overheard by: stainedglassdoll

Nurse: Okay, so… Where, exactly, did you acquire these grasshopper heads?

Hospital waiting room

Overheard by: Niki

Nurse: I didn’t even bother checking the urgency, but I guess if there are stab marks it’s urgent.

Overheard by: funvill

Woman behind counter: The doctor isn’t here.
Old lady: What about a nurse?
Woman behind counter: The nurses aren’t allowed to write prescriptions.
Old lady: Well, you know, you’re a fucking smartass.

Memphis, Tennessee

Overheard by: Jesa

Bored school nurse: Valerie, do you remember the name of the little girl who ate the glowstick last week?

Elementary School

Doctor: Okay, we're going to give you an iron shot.
Nurse: Roll over on your side. Okay, you're just going to feel a little prick in your butt.
Patient: Better than the finger that was up there earlier!

Newport Beach, California

Nurse: Okay, it’s time to push the baby out. Take a deep breath, hold it, and push! One, two, three… That was an awesome push! I want you to do the same thing with the next contraction, okay?
Baby daddy: Why are you making her do this?
Nurse: Ummm, to get the baby out.
Baby daddy: Are you kidding me? How long do you expect her to do it?
Nurse: Until the baby comes out.
Baby daddy: This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! Can’t you just pull it out or something?

Labor and Delivery unit
Bakersfield, California

Nurse #1: Constipated and a lot of bloody stool.
Nurse #2: (laughs uproariously)

North Shore Hospital
Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Ladle

Nursing lab instructor: You don't go down when you're suctioning.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Yoshi