Ass

Girl to friends: Fuck Europe! I got Tanzania all up on my ass!

Atlanta, Georgia

Lady, bumping into female cop in crowded elevator: Oh! Excuse me.
Female cop: Hey, if my boobs don’t getcha, my ass will.

Justice Center
El Paso County, Colorado

Random guy: Man, you just gotta cowboy the fuck up and tell the dumb bitch you’re doing her in the ass!

Moe’s Southwest Grill
Norman, Oklahoma

Queer #1: Ugh. All I know is that pussy smells like ass. I tried once in high school, and I was all, ‘Oooh, that smells like ass!’ and so I tried one more time, and it still smelled like ass.
Queer #2: Well, we know one thing for sure — your ass must smell like pussy.

Cleo’s, Chicago Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: EEE

Comic book artist: Is the word “stab” or “poink” best for a dog nose being inserted into someone’s butt?
Group of coworkers in unison, very serious: “Poink,” definitely.

Portland, Oregon

Guy #1: Did you see the video where that girl shoots a banana out of her ass?
Guy #2: Yeah! And then she’s like “I think there’s still a strawberry up there!”

Clemson University
Clemson, South Carolina

Overheard by: starch

Gay son: I need a sugar daddy.
Mother: You and me both.
Gay son: But I have a booty.
Mother, after long pause, and looking out the window: I have weeds where I once had grass…

Murrieta, California

Overheard by: I hope I don’t become my mother

Queer #1: I can adjust to change, I think.
Queer #2: Yeah, but can your sphincter?

Leon High School
Tallahassee, Florida

Overheard by: Deathly Confused

Guy: If you can like anal, you can like feet!

George Mason University
Fairfax, Virginia

Thug #1: Yo, nigga! I will beat you up! You hear me? I will demolish your ass!
Thug #2: Nah man, nah. I’ll beat your ass!
Thug #1: Fuck that, nigga, fuck that.
(pause)
Thug #1: Yo, nigga, what was our physics homework for last night?
Thug #2: Section 4. It’s on that Archimedes’ principle shit.

University of Louisville
Louisville, Kentucky