According to This Fortune Cookie

Extremely drunk man: You know, I don’t think prime numbers are going to introduce us to aliens… But I think Chuck Berry will.

The Old Hole
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: E

Teen: I used to think I was fat, but then I realized I wouldn’t have had sex with five guys if I was fat. No one wants to have sex with a fat girl.

New Jersey

Overheard by: BTON

Father looking at sign: Look! You could work here when you start school.
Son: Why would I want to work here? They can’t even spell ‘prerequisite’ right.
Father: That’s because it’s per-quisite.


Overheard by: glad to be sharing a school with this kid

Kid #1: Man, you always say that word when you’re drunk.
Kid #2: Yeah, I know. I need to stop watching that Michael Richards video.

Dude: She totally sandbags! You know she sandbags?!
Chick: Like there’s a hurricane.

Overheard by: pineapple

Nerd: She was like, ‘That’s so cute!’ and then I came all over her face!

Baylor University
Waco, Texas

Overheard by: kindaDisgusted

Dork #1: Yeah, but Super Mario had the princess…
Dork #2: I’d rather fuck the squirrel [in Sonic] than that square-ass bitch!

Overheard by: thomas

Sister: Daniel, stop!
Brother: What is he doing?
Sister: He shoved a toothpick in my buttcrack… I hope I don’t get a splinter!

Overheard by: hm

Skinny blonde: So, yeah, my mom is dating this new guy who’s just kind of awkward and nerdy and, well, he’s just really bad at socialism.

San Diego, California

Overheard by: Molly and Katy

Office whiner: The weather conditions in here are unacceptable.
Manager: Huh?
Office whiner: This office has been climatically compromised, and I have to go home to be warm, and with full pay.
Manager: Sorry, that’s not an option.
Office whiner: Well, then I deserve hazard pay for working under these conditions.
Manager: Again, I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen.
Office whiner, agitated: Well, fine! But I don’t like being cold! [Stomps off to cube.]Manager: Neither do I.