That's the Last Time We Party with the Dean

Frat boy to friends: So, I look at him and think, “I'm not such a good friend that I'm gonna help him here.” He was halfway off his air mattress and his tighty whities were soaked with either sweat or urine
Friend #1: I'd have kept away too. I hope it was sweat.
Friend #2: Nah, dude. He's a pisser.

Brown Line Train
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Jim

I Suppose I Could Have One of My Concubines Answer Them, Though

Student: Professor, will you be able to answer e-mails while you are away, since our final is in a week?
Uncomfortable Japanese professor with strange British/Japanese accent: No, I will not be able to answer students’ e-mails because most of the time I come home I am drunk.
Students: [Incredulous silence. Laughter.]

Philosophy class
McGill University

Overheard by: student who hated this prof until this comment…

For a Fungus

Girl sat in pub garden by canal, on date: So what's the difference between canal water and normal water then?
Guy, on date: Well, because canal boats are long and thin, they can't float in normal water. It's a special form of water that sir isaac newton made in the late seventeenth century – h3o. The extra hydrogen is in there because it makes the water more silky, and stops the canal boats from sinking.
Girl on date: Ooooh… I see. That makes sense (pointing at canal) hey look at that duck!
Guy on date: That's not a duck, its a quorn.
Girl: Quorn? Like the food? I thought that was vegetarian?
Guy, totally straight faced: It is vegetarian. The quorn is a vegetarian relation of the quail.
Girl: Ooooh… It's cute!

Rural Pub, Warwickshire, England

Overheard by: Bleep

Florida Isn't Quite Ready to Go Goth

Winn Dixie greeter to two non-smiling girls, cheerfully: Welcome to Winn Dixie, keep those smiles on. Keep the joy alive.

Sunrise, Florida

Overheard by: The kill-joys