New bride: Should I get this bag for my mother-in-law?
Friend: Will it make her love you?
New bride: No… Fuck that bitch.

Saratoga Springs, New York

Overheard by: louise

Girl in dorm bathroom: I just love it when they shove evolution down my throat! That’s my favorite…

University of Wisconsin

Girl: I love this new toothpaste I got. It has green tea in it and tastes absolutely fantastic. It feels like there’s a tea party going on in my mouth, and I just want to invite my teddy bears or something!

Melbourne, Florida

Overheard by: Ali and Livi

Dude: So, is it true that you have herpes?
Drunk girl #1: What?! No!
Dude: Thank god!
Drunk girl #1: I had chlamydia and now I have HPV. I only told two people, and now the whole town thinks I have herpes!
Dude: [Stares.]Drunk girl #1, crying: Why does everyone know about my diseases?!
Drunk girl #2: Because you go to the bar, get trashed, and yell about it?

Newark, Ohio

Girl #1: Whatever happened to that bird?
Guy: Which one? The original?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Guy: It’s in Professor Long’s* lab. I put it in a bag and squeezed the air out, so it shouldn’t be rotting too much.
Girl #2: It’s going to smell so bad when you open it.
Guy: No, it won’t…
Girl #2: Uh, yeah it will. You’d better open it up, drop it, and run away for a few hours.
Guy: Oh, come on, for Christ’s sake! After I removed the scent glands from a skunk with my bare hands and sawed its head off, what could be worse?!

Overheard by: kinda creeped out

20-ish woman: I never realized how boring I was until I spent a night in jail and only had myself… And I’m really boring.

Overheard by: try singing hymns

American tourist: It all started when I said, ‘Hey, Dave, are you up for a sword fight?’

Temple Bar

Bar fly to another entering bathroom: … And don’t go sticking your dick in my kebab again!


Overheard by: Algy_non

White girl: I don’t know why I don’t like dark-skinned people…
White guy: Maybe because you’re a racist?
White girl, annoyed: Nooo… I just don’t like them.

Dude: What did you bring for lunch?
Chick: A banana.
Dude: Won’t you be hungry?
Chick: No, I’ll eat it really slowly. That way it’ll last the whole day and I won’t worry about eating until I get home.
Dude: The whole day? Won’t it get brown and nasty? Do you want me to buy you a sandwich?
Chick: I said I’m eating a goddamn banana. Stop forcing your devil food into me!