Teacher, handing out candy to class: They're really sweet.
Student #1: And they make the roof of your mouth bleed.
Student #2: That's the best part.

High School
Calgary, Alberta

Volleyball girl: How come you have a painting of a football helmet on the wall but nothing for us?
Athletic trainer: I don't know. Maybe I'll paint something for you guys.
Volleyball girl: Yeah! You should paint a whole mirage!

Gustavus Adolphus College

Yeller: I brought you peanuts and toilet paper as a peace offering, and what did you bring me? Nothing! You brought me nothing! What does that say about our relationship?!

Overheard by: michael

Left on voice mail: I wanted to talk to you about these cupcakes. They are making me a little nervous. Call me.

Clearwater, Florida

Overheard by: friend of the cupcake king

Calculus lecturer: If I had 20 million dollars to give you as a gift…I would, just to see you fuck up.

Western Australia

Drunk male friend: What do you want for your birthday, baby? I can make it happen, just tell me what you want!
Really, really drunk birthday girl, pointing at someone else: I want in that guy's pants!

Norfolk, Virginia

Father to young daughter in department store: I'm just going to get her a bottle of wine since I don't know what a coverup is.

Falls Church, Virginia

Middle aged Midwest tourist, extremely wistfully: I wish I would've gotten her that marionette…

Wall Drug
Wall, South Dakota

Overheard by: Melissa

Shaven-headed guy #1, while pissing: So she says to me, “can you take out the rubbish?” I said no. Then she asked me, “can you change the cat litter?” I said no. Then she asked me, “can you fix the back door..?”
Shaven-headed guy #2, while pissing: And you said no?
Shaven-headed guy #1: Yeah. Anyway, so for Valentine's Day she gets me a ping pong table. I didn't get her anything. And now I won't let her use the ping pong table.
Shaven-headed guy #2: You're the fucking man, mate!

Leamington Spa

Overheard by: Bleep

Grandmother: So my friend gave me dog biscuits for my birthday.
Teen girl: But you don't have a dog.
Grandmother: She knew I would appreciate them, dear.
Teen girl: And it isn't your birthday.
Grandmother: That doesn't matter. I was going to save them for the Boxer that young man brings around the home, but I got hungry around noon.
Teen girl: Oh no. You didn't.
Grandmother: What? It's not as if I ate them plain. I boiled a cup of coffee and dipped them.

Frammingham, Massachusetts