Mr. Sandman, Bring Me a Dream/ Send Me a Girl Who Wants to Get Reamed

Girl: So I had a realistic dream last night.
Guy (uninterested): Uh-huh.
Girl: I had anal sex in the dream. But I’ve never had anal sex before. But it seemed realistic.
Guy (uninterested): Hmm.
Girl: So now I need to have anal sex to see if it was like in my dream.
Guy (suddenly interested): Yeah?

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: Sarah

Maybe If You Were Close to Being a Rich Man

Hipster kid #1: Kelsey, have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof?
Hipster kid #2: No. I’m not a fan of Tennessee Williams.
Hipster kid #3: Um, I think you’re thinking of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
Hipster kid #2: Yeah, whatever. I was close.

Missouri Botanical Gardens
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: tennessee williams’ groupie

Anyone Wanna Teabag?

Dude, after receiving dickhead hat on 50^th birthday: Hey, look! My double chin looks like a pair of balls in a nutsack!

Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: Tiger Fan

Oh, Ally McBeal, How We’ve Missed You!

Hipster girl to another: I consider myself single, except for the part where I have a boyfriend… so I can’t cheat on him.

St. Louis, Missouri

Um, There’s No One There

Girl, pointing: That kid — he’s my new friend.
Friend: What? That tiny kid?
Girl: Yeah. You said I need a new friend. That kid is my new friend.
Friend: Whatever.
Girl: I think his name is Kyle.

Cosmo Park
Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: Kelsey

I Mean, What Good Is a Briefcase Without Briefs?

Old dude to another, reminiscing: You still got that briefcase with all that underwear in it?

Kansas City, Missouri

Fisher-Price Introduces the Backyardigans Butt Plug

Mom gripping three kids by their collars with one hand while pointing with each word at each kid with her other hand: I. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. Another. Word. About. Sticking. Something. Up. Your. Asses!

Toy aisle, Wal-Mart
Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: keller-wish i’d gotten there fifteen seconds earlier

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look

Drunk guy: If kiddie porn is such a huge problem on the internet, how come you can’t ever find it?

St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Why Don’t You Have A Seat Over Here…

If You Know What I Mean

Girl to friend: I gave my ostrich a fur coat.

Rich Catholic Girls School
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Sarah

Or Use Birth Control

Woman to friend: So I killed three of them already. I guess that means I should lose some weight.

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: corey