Age and ageing

Loud girl: And my mother said to me, “Well, I guess you’re an adult now, since you have adult sex.” And I was like, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” and she was like, “I opened your cupboard.” and I was thinking, “Oh shit!” because I’ve got a lot of shit in there. I’ve got porn, I’ve got a vibrator, a cock ring. I’ve got things she doesn’t even know what to call them!

University of Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Coworker, about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve: For people our age it’s just not New Year’s until we see Dick.

Sanford, Florida

Man: I’m too old for overnight adventures.
Woman: You’re too married.‑2.html

Overheard by: garage girl #1

Dude, after receiving dickhead hat on 50th birthday: Hey, look! My double chin looks like a pair of balls in a nutsack!

Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: Tiger Fan

Thesis advisor to uncomfortable‐looking advisees: You girls might be too young for it, but if you ever have the chance to have sex on a water bed, you should do it.

Colgate University
Madison County, New York

Mini‐skirt girl: Her name is Pearl, so she’s either an 80‐year‐old white lady from Connecticut…
Suit: Or an 18‐year‐old, French‐speaking lieutenant in an Asian motorcycle gang.
Mini‐skirt girl: Yours is weirdly specific.

Bridgeport, Connecticut

Overheard by: Agreed

Friend #1: God! Old people get so pissy when they don’t get their obituaries on time.
Friend #2: Why?
Friend #1: Because they want to know which of their friends has died that week.
Friend #2: Oh, so it’s like Facebook for the elderly!

Memorial Hospital
Ontario, Canadia

Overheard by: Dani

35‐year‐old man: Do you know what I did for you? I left my home, my wife. I cheated because I was cheated on, I know what that’s like. You’re turning 30, you need a man, what’s a woman at 30? You’re alone!
28‐year‐old woman: You’re having a midlife crisis. Women don’t get those. I’m there for you, like, “you should stop at three drinks because you’re a terrible drunk.“
35‐year‐old man: You’d do that for me?

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Matt

Girlfriend, excited: I know exactly what I’m going to get you for your birthday this year.
Boyfriend: Oh yeah? I know exactly what I am going to get you for your birthday.
Girlfriend: Really? Are you going to get that thing cut off your back?


Frustrated gamer playing The Legend of Zelda: Did you see that? She’s such a slut! Her vagina was just totally up in link’s face. And he’s like, twelve. Why are women like that all the time?

University of Massachusetts

Overheard by: the girl in the corner cramming for finals