20-something on cell: My soul is not a constipated gerbil!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
20-something on cell: My soul is not a constipated gerbil!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Grouchy mother to small child in stroller: I wipe your butt! The least you can do is share my drink!
Mall
Pennsylvania
Little Hispanic boy: I want more food.
Dad, calmly: Okay. We just have to get another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad: Okay! We just need to go get you another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad, yelling: I said ‘okay’! I just have to get you a new plate!
Little Hispanic boy, shocked: You yelled at me…
Dad: Well, I tried speaking to you like a white man, but you wouldn’t listen.
Chinese buffet
Reading, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Hole
Girl arguing with boyfriend on speaker phone: I hope you get herpes and get pistol-whipped! [Guy’s friend giggles in background.] Is that Nate? I hope he gets herpes and pistol-whipped, too!
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Sarah
Old teacher, petting student’s hair: Your hair is so pretty. When you graduate, you should donate it to the blind.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Shakananananawanda
Artsy girl #1: Hey, remember that time in London when we both thought we had scabies, but we didn’t?
Artsy girl #2, sighing: That was one of the best days of my life!
Arcadia University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Hiding my laughter in the photo lab
First grade girl: It’s my job to inform everyone about horse dinkers.
Johnstown, Pennsylvania
Chick on cell: Luckily, I have pink nails to protect us from future druggings.
Shady Grove bar
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl: I always clean the sheets. You never notice, but I always clean the sheets.
Guy: What? We don’t even have sheets on the bed right now.
Girl: And do you want to know why we don’t have sheets on the bed? Because the other night, after you’d bled on them–
Guy: –I bled on them because you kicked me.
Girl: I did not kick you! It was that mole — that mole that started bleeding, which I’m very concerned about, by the way. Your mole shouldn’t just start bleeding like that. But anyway, I had just cleaned the sheets, and then your mole bled on them, and I went to clean them again and I thought, ‘Why don’t I see how long it would take him to notice there aren’t even sheets on the bed?’ So that’s why we haven’t had sheets on the bed for a month.
12th and Locust
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Girl #1: So, this guy, like, offers to take her up to his room, and I was like, ‘Um, don’t think so!’
Girl #2: Oh my god, totally! Yeah!
Girl #1: So I, like, carried her up to my room.
Girl #2: Did you know her at all?
Girl #1: No! But she was pretty drunk, so I, like, made sure she was, like, comfortable or whatever. Then I went down the hall to go to the bathroom, and I come back and she, like, threw up. Like, everywhere.
Girl #2: Was she still there?
Girl #1: No, she was gone! But it smelled really bad.
Girl #2: Ewww! That’s so gross.
Villanova University
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Bored In Class
