Should have used a condom

Future career counselor: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Future asylum inmate: A crazy person that likes to be alone.
Future career counselor: Like a snarly recluse?
Future asylum inmate: Like the Unabomber.

Wausau, Wisconsin

Mom: Can you sit there and be mommy’s good boy just a little longer? We’re almost done shopping.
Boy: No. I’m not your good boy. I’m not your good boy anymore.
Mom: Oh you aren’t? Then will you be a big boy for me?
Boy: No, I’m not your big boy! I’m not your big boy, and I’m not your good boy anymore.
Mom: Oh really, then what are you?
Boy: I’m a grandma!

Overheard by: kari

Little girl at checkstand: Mommy, I want to drink my soda out of a paper bag, just like daddy!

Lakeport, California

Overheard by: Corinna

Four‐year‐old boy, singing: I’m gonna piss in your mouth, I’m gonna piss on your head…
Mom: Sweetie, who are you talking to?
Four‐year‐old boy: You.
Mom: Oh, okay.

Publix grocery store

Overheard by: Amused yet appalled

Little girl, singing: You got a fat butt, you got a fat butt!
Mother: Now sweetie, that’s not nice to say about mommy.
Little boy: But its true!

Dressing Room
Union, New Jersey

Overheard by: Sarah

Little girl in next stall: But what if Old Faithful starts going while we’re not out there?
Girl’s mother: Well, you’ll have to pee really quickly so mommy can pee and then we can go.
Little girl: But you take a long time to pee.
Mother: Yes, I know.
Little girl: You take a long time to pee.
Mother: Well, thank you for announcing that to the entire bathroom.

Restroom, Old Faithful Inn
Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming

Little girl: I need a knife.
Concerned mother: What? Why?
Little girl: So I can cut your fingers off!
Concerned mother: Ashley*! Now, that’s not nice!
Little girl: But I’m hungry!

Old Navy
Plainville, Connecticut

Teen daughter: You’re a dickwad.
Mom: No, you’re a dickwad.
Teen daughter: No, you’re a dickwad.
Mom: No, you’re a dickwad.
Granny, with English accent: What’s a dickwad?
Teen daughter: It’s a pile of jism, Granny.
Dad: Okay, family meeting right now!

On the subway
Toronto, Ontario

Overheard by: jezebel

Boy, screaming into pregnant mother’s belly: We’re going to give you up for adoption!

Tanger Outlet
Riverhead, New York

Overheard by: bemused

Little boy: Mommy, can we go back to the giant trampoline where you said you saw sexy daddy?

Sedona, Arizona

Overheard by: J