Rhode Island

Professor: So, I can see that some of you try to care about my feelings, and others don't give a fig.
Student #1: Whoa! Could you not use such harsh vegetables?
(entire class goes silent)
Student #2: I didn't know a “fig” was a vegetable.
Student #3: I thought it was a grape. A dried grape.

Johnson & Wales University
Providence, Rhode Island

Man: There are mutes dying all over the world, and they can't say anything! So here I am…

Providence, Rhode Island

Smoker girl: How did you get that scrape on your arm?
Inked boy: Well, TJ picked me up in the parking lot the other night after the club, like literally, picked me up and carried me over to Halfbreed, and threw me to him, but Halfbreed didn't know what was going on and so we both fell over.
Smoker girl: Ouch.
Inked boy: So apparently, all it takes to knock him down is a hundred-thirty-five pound Italian projectile surprise.
Smoker girl: Do you stay awake at night thinking of these little quips? Or do they just come to you in moments of genius?
Inked boy: No, I thought of it that night. I've just been waiting to use it.

Providence, Rhode Island

Lesbian: True friends don’t believe you have STDs!

Energy-Alternative club
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Christine

Girl, waiting for Italian professor: How can she know Italian well enough to teach it when she can't even speak English that well?

Rhode Island

Overheard by: Doesn't Speak Italian

Waiter: How were the balls?
Blonde: Well, they were filling.

Cheesecake Factory
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Mallory

Flight attendant, doing safety instructions before takeoff: Pull on the tab to inflate the life vest. If that doesn't work, blow it up manually. If that doesn't work…thank you for flying Southwest.

Flight over Providence, Rhode Island

Guy: And then I was skipping down the street naked. I put my underpants back on after the girl realized that I wasn't wearing anything, though.

Portsmouth, Rhode Island

Drunk frat boy: Shiiit, I’m God! I’m God, and I’ve seen so much asscrack!

Brown University
Providence, Rhode Island

Twelve-year-old boy in lunch line: So I think I have a new arch-nemesis… He's like, Canadian, or something.
Friend: Cool!

Brown University
Providence, Rhode Island