Stupidity

Back Up– Did You Just Call Me “Homie”?

Girl #1: Well, if you're totally past it, it won't matter.
Girl #2: But I'm not totally past it, and it does matter. I hate that I did that to someone. And I know it sets feminism way back, but…I mean, Jesus, before I met him, I was like, “No way am I gonna reproduce!” And then…Bam! I'm like a fucking salmon Metro-Northing it for unrequited spawn.
Girl #1: You weren't gonna have kids?
Girl #2: Homie, I can't even handle my period.
Girl #1: I hear ya.
Girl #2: I'm not sure his kind of crazy and my kind of crazy would translate well into offspring.
Girl #1: But your kind of beautiful and his kind of beautiful would make for adorable children.
Girl #2: Oh, shut the fuck up, I'm not beautiful. I have no forehead.
Girl #1: You have a fine forehead.
Girl #2: I have a threehead.
Girl #1: It's a fine forehead. If your forehead was a person and mine was a person, my forehead would totally have sex with your forehead.
Girl #2: I can't believe you. I haven't talked to you face-to-face for more than a year and within ten minutes of reuniting, you're already talking about forehead sex.
(she looks up)
Girl #2: Oh, shit! That's my mentor, and I think she just heard me say “forehead sex.”

Sarah Lawrence College
Westchester County, New York

Now Why Don't You Go to the Bathroom While I Watch Your Drink?

20-something JAP to nerdy date: I love rushing. In my sorority, like, for every girl who rushes, the girls, like, have to discuss the girl's pros and cons, and like, for every con there has to be a pro, so like if you say, like, the girl is a total retard, you have to say something pro, like, she has opposable thumbs.
Nerdy date: When I was rushing they would give me a hot dog bun, but there was something in it that was not a hot dog.
20-something JAP: Oh that reminds me, like, I'll sleep at your house tonight, but like, it's just gonna be sleeping, not like, sex or anything, you know, because, like, I have to get to know a person a lot better than I, like, know you before I do something like that.
Nerdy date: Oh absolutely. I mean, when I mentioned sleeping over before, I just meant, you know, sleeping. I didn't mean anything more than that.

Sarah Silverman Concert
Atlantic City, New Jersey

Or Dead– Whichever

Elevator repair man: Hey, I got a call that someone was stuck in the elevator.
Security guard: Yeah, but I haven't heard any more noise from her in like four hours, so I guess she's fine.

Temple University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Martin Luther King: *Facepalm*

Boy: Why didn't black people just move back to Africa after slavery ended?
Girl: They didn't have the money to.
Boy: They could have gotten the money if they really wanted.
Girl: They didn't want to move back to Africa! They wanted to stay here, they just wanted equal rights. What's wrong with that?
Boy: I'm just saying that they could have moved back if they wanted rights and stuff.
Girl: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. Seriously, just stop talking.
(some time later)
Girl: This is why I hate white people, no offense you guys. I don't hate you personally, just as a race in general. They piss me off.
Boy: That's racist. Wow, this tastes good.

Panera at Fashion Square Mall
Orlando, Florida

Sure, Why Not?

Guy to TA, during archaeology midterm exam: When it says “How did they adapt physically?” does that mean…like…physically?

University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

The Source of Her Confusion is That Her Ceiling is Covered with Postcards

Girl: Hey, how about this one? Have you heard the one about the ceiling?
Blonde: Um, no.
Girl: Oh, well never mind, it's *way* too over your head.
Blonde: No, tell me! I'm not that dumb!
Girl (shaking head): Never mind, you don't get it. Hmmm, what about the one about the postcard with no stamp? Oh, never mind, you wouldn't ever get it.
Blonde: Really, I think I could. Tell me, let me try!

Spring Grove, Pennsylvania

A Lot of Those Babies Are Really Wrinkly

Guy: Dude, it's not like you can get Botox while you're breastfeeding.
Girl: Why not?

Zeitgeist Bar
San Francisco, California

Um, I'm from Kansas

Professor: So how many inches do you think are in a foot?
Student: Oh I'd say about 100.
Professor (speaking to class): I love picking on the foreign kids on the first day of class.

Normal, Illinois

Overheard by: AJ

Like High Explosive, Ignorance Has a Shockwave

Blond cocktail waitress, looking at a t-shirt of George Bush and his dad with Dumb and Dumber under photos: Who is that?
Chef: Excuse me! Are you serious?
Blond cocktail waitress (a few seconds later, with dumbfounded look): Ooooooh! Is that our President? Then who is that? (pointing to the photo of Bush Sr)
Chef (grabbing head in agony): Owww!

Lulu's Restaurant
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Ben

His Farts Are Delicately Scented With Botanicals

Guy to girl: So you heard about Dave, right? His girlfriend broke up with him last night. He got completely wasted and tried to kill himself by drinking a bottle of shampoo.
Girl: Oh my god! Is he okay?
Guy: Yeah, turns out you cant kill yourself by drinking shampoo. We're calling him “bubbles” now. He'll never live this down.

Lockport, New York

Overheard by: evan

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