Dude: Have you ever masturbated?
Chick: Uh… No…
Dude: Seriously? To me that’s like… like standing in front of a house of cards for, like, 18 years and just never being like, ‘I’m going to tip that shit over.’

Eugene, Oregon

Guy on cell: Hey… Rainy… Ummm, well, yeah I’ve kind of played with it, but not to fruition. Hold on, I’m on the L in Chicago. Hey, guys, Jeff* wants to know if you’ve ever masturbated while driving on a long car trip.
Friend #1: No.
Friend #2: No.
Guy on cell: Nick* and Joe* say no. Hey, um, I gotta go…

Chicago L

Overheard by: J to the P

Hobo: You ever wanted to punch an asshole in the face? Now's your chance, one dollar! I deserve it! I club baby seals, I vote Republican, I masturbate way too much! Quit laughin' and start punchin!

Church & Duboce
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: C

Stoned girl at party: I don't think I'm gonna call him back, he was fingering me in pretty rapey way.

Leamington Spa

Overheard by: Bleep

Girl: First, string cheese. Then masturbation!

Saint Peter's College
New Jersey

3L law student: He’s just irritating. He’s like one of those people who masturbates to Scalia decisions.

Gay man: Listen, we've all shat, we've all farted, we've all touched ourselves, and we've all used a dildo.
Girls: Ummm… no.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

US History professor, angrily: I don't put up stuff on the overhead for me to masturbate to! I do that at home. Pay attention!

Georgia State University

Overheard by: Kat

Toddler boy in stall with mom: I’m done!
Mom: Are you sure? Why are you doing that? Don’t pull on it!
Toddler boy: Daddy does it all the time!

Border Grill
Santa Monica, California

Overheard by: Smooph

Professor: Please write legibly. If I had wanted to go blind, I would have masturbated to excess as a child.

University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts