Guy: I don’t mean children should burn in hell, just burn a little. Like their hands.
Wisconsin
Archive for the ‘Offspring’ Category
But, for the Record, I Adore David Spade
Girl #1: She’s pregnant? I thought she was on birth control?
Girl #2: She still is.
Girl #1: Isn’t that bad for the baby?
Girl #2: Not really, all that will happen is if it’s a boy, it will start looking more like a girl…
Girl #1: That’s messed up.
Bathroom Stall, Nutty Irishman Bar
Farmingdale, New York
Overheard by: Jennifer
Not Until You Figure Out Which Wire to Clip, Sweetie.
Mother: Just sit there a minute. I need to go say goodbye to Jamie*.
Three-year-old boy, buckled into stroller, trying to stand: Let me out of this booby trap!
County Fair
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Cat
As I Learned at the Birth-a-Bear Workshop
Boy to friend: I’m totally capable of giving birth to a live teddy bear.
High School
Clarksville, Maryland
I Wonder If the Hospital Would Give Me a Discount If I Produced in Bulk
Black woman, to friend: I love Costco. It makes me like, want to have five kids.
Costco
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
As Long As You Don’t Lie in the Same Bed Together, It’s All Good
Man: What does it say in the bible about punching your son in the face?
Starbucks
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: wondering the same thing myself
It Takes a Gag Reflex to Raise a Child Never Made It to the Best-Seller List
Flustered mother to screaming toddler: Stop that shouting, or I’ll be sick on you!
(toddler shuts up abruptly)
Leeds
England
Overheard by: Magpie
The Argument Against Exposing Kids to the Arts
Little girl to mother: Mommy, where’s Aladdin?
Mother: He’ll come soon, sweetie.
(repeats this for ten minutes)
Little girl, seeing Aladdin on the stage: Who is that?
Mother: Aladdin.
Little girl: Where’s Jasmine?
Adventure Theater
Anaheim, California
For Instance, She’s Always Refusing to Change My Diaper!
Woman to friend: I don’t know why she wants a baby. I mean, she doesn’t even like poo.
Edmonton
Canadia
By 35, She Was Already Set in Her Ways
Goateed gentleman: I tried to teach her that certain words for things were different, like that toothpaste was actually “poop,” but I think I waited until she was a bit too old.
Mars Volta Concert, Rams Head Live
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Greeg
