Queer: … And I was like, ‘Honey, it’s not like I have a subscription to Town and Country to look at the dresses!’

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: widget

Sophomore girl #1: Did you hear Matt and Derek are going out now?
Sophomore girl #2: No way! I totally gave Matt his first blow job. He can’t be gay! (pauses) Oh my god! Do you think I turned him gay?
Passing junior guy: Yeah, that’d do it.

High School
Annapolis, Maryland

Little boy, standing next to a car: Daddy, this isn’t our car! Daddy, what are you doing? This isn’t our car!
Man: Look, buddy, you’ve got to stop saying that when we’re in parking lots. [to a couple walking by] I just got a new car.
Little boy: No you didn’t!

AMC Theatres
Owings Mills, Maryland

Overheard by: they steal cars, dont they?

Girl discussing Edgar Allan Poe’s The Oval Portrait: It’s just that it seems like he went through and for each word looked in the dictionary for the longest synonym. Or, well, did he use those words back then?

Baltimore School for the Arts
Baltimore, Maryland

Serious Asian dude: I don’t like angry soul food bitches. I like happy soul food bitches.


Overheard by: Neither nor

Ghetto woman, indignantly: And then he told my mama he wanted me to get tested ’cause he didn’t think the baby was his!
Ghetto man, outraged: Inconsiderate fuck! It was his, wasn’t it?
Ghetto woman: Hell no! I don’t know who I be sleeping with! [They laugh.] Bitch, please — I fuck like a squirrel!

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Tiki

Guy: Man, look at this guy! It’s weird how they keep the eyelashes and hair on to keep them semi‐human. You can see everything!
Girl: Um, are all penises so big?
Guy: I think it’s due to preserving process.
Girl: I’m hungy.

Body Worlds Exhibit
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: 8lb Gem my ASS!!

Girl wearing cleats: What would you do if I cleated you in the vagina?
Friend: Why would you do that?
Girl wearing cleats: No, really, like what if I cleated you right in the labia?

Baltimore, Maryland

Loud eighth grader: Michael’s such a douche, all he wants to do is get in my pants.
Even louder teacher: You’re in eighth grade, you shouldn’t be letting anybody in your pants!

Potomac, Maryland

Overheard by: Math is my new favorite subject…

Get Off That Muffin for a Sec.

Guy #1, smashing grapes: I’m making wine.
Guy #2: That’s not how you make wine.
Guy #3: Yeah, you need yeast. Hey, Melissa, come here.