On the phone

Girl on phone: I mean, do you know how strange it feels to climb out of the bed of the guy you just hooked up with and then climb into bed with your brother?

Chinatown bus from New York City to Baltimore, Maryland

Important looking man on cell: So, apparently, Georgia is being occupied by Russia. What this means to us is… Oooh! Toothbrushes!

Washington, DC

Overheard by: ak

Loud guy on cell: Where you at? Did you make the stop? He went to jail yesterday? What? What time did you get locked up? Damn!

McDonald’s, Illinois Center
Chicago, Illinois

Guy on cell: Yeah, I get scared when you turn out the lights. (pause) That's not gay. (pause) It's not gay when “turning out the lights” means putting your hands over my eyes while we're test-driving a car that's worth more than your sister's gold plated vahjay!

George Mason University
Virginia

Overheard by: Your sister won

Chick on cell: Yeah, mom, listen: I'm trying to buy some weed. Yeah, I'll call you back if I get any. Okay, love you too. Bye.

Downtown Crossing
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Adrienne

Black lady on cell: I said, ‘Yeah, I’m black, but dat don’ mean I be makin’ counterfeit money!’

Food Lion
Sanford, North Carolina

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Girl on cell: No, Mom, you don’t understand! The sex toy party was a lot of fun! They just had some great stuff there, okay?

College bus
Allendale, Michigan

Girl on cell: 'cause I kinda cut off my balls…

Boston Common
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: she didn't look trannyish

Man on cell: What? You calling me fat pussy? I will punch you in the face!

Boston, Massachusetts

Smokin' hot gay guy on phone: I bought the table under the impression that it was fuck-proof. My husband challenged me last night to prove otherwise. Now my table has been fucked through and Mark* isn't talking to me right now. (pause) Yeah, it does sound like a funny problem to have, but it's really not.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: The Sauce