Newbie: How do I know when the French toast is done?
Supervisor: When it looks like French toast.

Oceanview Terrace dining hall, UCSD
San Diego, California

Bar manager: So, did you watch that film I gave you?
Bouncer: Yeah, man — I couldn’t get past the opening credits without a box of tissues.

Westchester, New York

Overheard by: Tom

Volunteer director to group of teenage volunteers: Now, ya gotta be careful or the tractor tires will catch on fire.
Teenage volunteers: (incredulous laughter)
Volunteer director: No, seriously! Last year they caught on fire and I totally had to pee on them!

Sonoma County, California

Overheard by: where was I last year?!

Mover and shaker: I went to a military academy, I know about anal sex. I went to a military academy.

Austin, Texas

Suit #1: So, you heard who the new VP in my division is?
Suit #2: Yeah. She's… a character, I'll say that.
Suit #1: The Brits came to meet with her, and they left looking like… totally stunned.
Suit #2: Yep, she's a force of nature, all right.
Suit #1: I just can't believe they'd give her that job… That they want her dealing with all that political sensitivity when…
Suit #2, interrupting: When she's a maniacal feral wild woman?
Suit #1: And she openly admits that she doesn't think men should be in this division! She keeps making jokes about how we have no idea what the ladies want, and I'm like, how would she know either? She's not a lady, she's a monster!
Suit #2: She's like a Hindu goddess of fire and destruction!


Overheard by: Felicity Thistle

Patron #1: How are you tonight?
Patron #2: Well, I'm currently disappointed in humanity.

Columbus, Indiana

Overheard by: Projection1234

Customer: Hi, I'd like to return these pants.
Store manager: Can I ask why?
Customer: The pants talk.
Store manager: (…)
Customer, frantically: I mean, they pop! They pop!

Burnsville, Minnesota

Overheard by: I had to return a pair of talking pants once too

Tired restaurant patron: Why would Reese's Pieces put out rhesus monkeys? That's just wrong!

Ocala, Florida

Overheard by: Fully aware restaurant patron

Middle aged shop owner, as female vocalist sings pop song on the radio: I ain't no queer or nothing, but the first time I heard this song, I thought it was pretty as hell.

Waco, Texas

Woman with two toddlers, ordering cake: I need a P-E-N-I-S cake…
Manager, walking in, gleefully oblivious: Ohhh, a penis cake! We can put fake hair on it. Last time, we had fake semen shooting out…

Huntington, California