Loudmouthed breakfast patron: I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but what if you keep kosher and someone, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?

Toast Two
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Paul

Macy's sales clerk: Now this cologne is $19.99 for the large bottle and comes with the free teddy bear.
Large woman spilling out of leopard-print tube top, sniffing: This is nice… It's real classy smelling.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: I don't discriminate; I hate everybody.

Woman: Do you have the book How to Fix Your Marriage without Words?
Saleslady: Sorry, it looks like we don't have that in stock right now.
Woman: Fuck!

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Taylor

Restaurant server on smoke break: How were the ladies at the bar?
Drunk man: Those bitches were hot. And I mean “bitches” in the best possible way.
Server: When I say “bitches,” I mean “hoes.”

Plano, Texas

Shopper, examining fish: So, have you had any perverts coming in here yet?
Shop assistant: No… Not yet.


Overheard by: Lena

Very obnoxious drunk man to long-suffering waitress: Hey, what’s your name, anyway?
Waitress (coldly): Melissa.
Drunk man (softly): Awww, my daughter’s name is Melissa.
Waitress: Well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but we usually turn out slutty.

Los Angeles, California

Man in dressing room to employee waiting on him: Dude, I can see my ass hair. I'm a grown-ass man. Go find me some grown-ass man pants.

Las Vegas, Nevada

Customer: The last thing I want in my refrigerator is another pair of pantyhose!

Charlottesville, Virginia

Little old lady to cashier: Satan puked here.

Rapid City, South Dakota

20-something client: How do you spell “Matthew?”
Confused staff: Matthew? As in a person's name? Like “Matthew Perry” Matthew?
20-something: Yeah, it's my middle name and I want to put it on my resume. Does it have two t's or one?

Unemployment Centre