Nurse on phone: Are you sexually active? … Okay, that’s usually a ‘yes’ or a ‘no.’

Tang Center Urgent Care
Berkeley, California

Drunken bimbette: First of all, Francesca feels really bad about taking my dad’s money when he was in a coma…

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: another margarita, please!

Jewish girl: I think I like Josh. What do you think of him?
Jewish guy: I don’t like him. He’s annoying. And he’s a Jew.
Jewish girl: What do you mean ‘And he’s a Jew’? You’re a Jew!
Jewish guy: No.
Jewish girl: Yes…
Jewish guy: No, I quit.

Santa Cruz, California

Chick on cell: You don’t need handcuffs for that. Just use duct tape. Duct tape works for everything. Even butt cheeks!

Hawthorne, California

Overheard by: smooph

Loud outburst from quiet conversation: What kind of pan do you have that you can cook a head in it?!

8000 Foothills Boulevard
Roseville, California

Overheard by: Drew

Aikido student: Um, Sensei, I think there's spit on the mat…
Sensei: There's sweat on the mat?
Aikido Student: No, spit.
Sensei: Oh, spit! That's gross!

Humboldt State University
Arcata, California

Overheard by: Eli

Teen girl: Am I fat?
Teen boy: Emotionally? Yes.

La Jolla, California

Overheard by: Acire

College dude: I'd totally fuck her bottom half… and I'd just chomp off her top half.

San Jose, California

Overheard by: Skye

Child: Mommy, mommy, my hand smells like butt!
Mother: Why does your hand smell like butt, honey?
Child: I put my hand in my butt.

Department Store
Davis, California

Overheard by: Arlene

Drummer: Well, that wasn't my first time being on fire but it was my favorite time being on fire.

Los Angeles, California