Professor: What do you think my fantasy is?
Student: Armpit sex… in a park. No, wait. Menage a trois. All-male in a… ballroom?
Godfrey, Illinois
Loudmouthed breakfast patron: I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but what if you keep kosher and someone, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?
Toast Two
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
Guy #1: I once tried to hit on a chick while I was drunk and throwing up, but now that's just a fun story I tell and nobody lost their respect for me.
Guy #2: Except for the girl you were hitting on.
Guy #1: Well, I don't know. Her nickname was “dicktooth.”
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Girl: I bet he would.
Friend: No, he wouldn’t.
Girl: I’ll call him now. [Dials] Hey, honey. Quick question: if I had a tattoo of a dick on the inside of my thigh about half an inch away from my pussy, would you lick it? [Pause] No. I said ‘if’… Well, no, I’m not saying it’s totally out of the question… Fine. We’ll talk about it when I get home. [To friend] See? I told you he would!
Bus stop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Dana
Dude: Hold this burrito, I gotta take my clothes off.
Chicago, Illinois
Statistics professor writing on board: I’ll leave the numbers out because I always get them wrong anyway.
University of Chicago
Illinois
Overheard by: too early for this class
Girl: I feel rather drunk at this conjuncture!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Guy to girl in line at ATM: Stop playing with his butthole! What are you doing to his butthole?!
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: In front of her in line, and afraid to turn around
Angry suit: When is this plane going to take off? I have a very important meeting to get to!
Flight attendant: The incoming plane is delayed, sir, there's nothing we can do at the moment.
Angry suit: Well, are you going to make arrangements for me to get on another flight? This is urgent! Do you know who I am?
Flight attendant (over loudspeaker): Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, there is a gentleman at the desk who does not know who he is. If anyone has any information about his identity, please come forward.
Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois
