Illinois

(women's restroom, a man in a Santa suit enters)
Drunk woman: Hey, you're not a boy!
Restroom attendant: You mean he's not a girl.
Drunk woman: Yeah, you're not a girl!
Drunk Santa: Ho ho ho, ladies! I just wanted to see what you wanted for Christmas!
Drunk woman: Huh?
Restroom attendant: I want money, haha!
Drunk Santa: Then cross your labia, ladies, and merry Christmas!
(he leaves)
Drunk woman: Wait, what?

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Elizabeth

16-year-old: There are 24 letters in the alphabet, right?
Teacher: I quit.

Bradley, Illinois

Overheard by: A Horrified Student

20-something girlfriend, pointing at “exit only–do not enter” sign: I should tattoo that on my butt.
20-something boyfriend: But then you would be single.

Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois

Conductor, over intercom: Rub-a-dub-dub!

Chicago, Illinois

Intellectual girl: Ugh, water and chocolate do not mix.
Bimbette hipster: Yeah, and neither do hot dogs!

Danville Area Community College
Danville, Illinois

Overheard by: Can’t hear this anywhere else but Danville

College girl: I may have made the best porn movie ever, but I’m not going to show it to my mom.

Lincoln Park, Illinois

Anatomy professor: There's a little bit of failure in everyone.

Western Illinois University

Overheard by: Pixie

Elevator dude #1: I just think she’s kind of ho-ish.
Elevator dude #2: I’m feeling that, though, because I’m like that myself.
Elevator dude #1: I’m not fucking with her.
Elevator dude #2: But if she was a dude, though, we’d be honoring her.
Elevator dude #1: Yeah, well, I’m not gonna be fucking no dude, either.

332 South Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Ronnie

Girl: So, my roommate’s mom still lets her use her credit card, which is crazy! I mean, we’re like 24, and I’ve had my own credit card since forever… But anyways, I guess my roommate had a huge bill last month, and her mom got all upset and called her and said, ‘Maybe you should soak the credit cards and put them in the freezer, so when you get the impulse to use them they’ll be frozen.’ So now we have, like, three credit cards in a tub in our freezer.

Brown Line El
Chicago, Illinois

Hobo to another: If that bitch is late, you gotta pull the dick out.

Wacker Drive and Lake Street
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: pulled out