Santa Claus

Mom: I don't know what I should get for him. He likes video games and that kind of stuff. I got him a GameCube last year and he loves it.
Five-year-old child (looks away from game display, shocked): But you told me Santa got me the GameCube!

Best Buy
Seattle, Washington

40-something suit to another: I should go see Santa, but I'm a couple decades too late. (pause) And if you go without a kid, they think you're weird or something.

LIRR Train Station
New York

Overheard by: BK

(women's restroom, a man in a Santa suit enters)
Drunk woman: Hey, you're not a boy!
Restroom attendant: You mean he's not a girl.
Drunk woman: Yeah, you're not a girl!
Drunk Santa: Ho ho ho, ladies! I just wanted to see what you wanted for Christmas!
Drunk woman: Huh?
Restroom attendant: I want money, haha!
Drunk Santa: Then cross your labia, ladies, and merry Christmas!
(he leaves)
Drunk woman: Wait, what?

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Loud woman: Yeah, Santa was all fucked up on drugs.

Cincinnati, Ohio

Dude #1: Saint Nicholas. Isn’t he the evil one?
Dude #2: No, Saint Nick is Santa Claus.
Dude #1: Oh, I must be thinking of John the Baptist.

Overheard by: tim

Mom: You better put that jacket on.
Little boy: No!
Mom: You better put that jacket on or you are going to get sick and then when Santa comes you will get him sick and then there will be no Christmas because you got him too sick to work and all the little boys and girls in the world will hate you. [Little boy puts jacket on.]


Overheard by: Bryn

Crazy man #1: Are you from Mexico or Switzerland?
Crazy man #2: I am from Georgia! From the mountains.
Crazy man #1: North Georgia?
Crazy man #2: No, the mountains.
Crazy man #1: Are you friends with Santa Claus?
Crazy man #2: No, me and Santa don't get along.

Marta Train
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Jessica

Teenager #1: There's no way for Santa to visit all the houses on earth; that's impossible.
Teenager #2: He doesn't have to visit every house, though. Not everybody celebrates Christmas.
Teenager #1: So? That would be like god saying “Muslims can go fuck themselves, I only watch out for Christians.”
Teenager #3: Some people actually do believe that.
Teenager #2: Yeah, I mean, if they don't celebrate Christmas, then…
Teenager #1: You know, at the speed Santa would need to travel to deliver gifts to all those people, his sleigh would literally catch on fire.
Teenager #2: Dude, see, it works like this…
Teenager #1: No, here's how it works: there's no fucking Santa.

Chino, California

Tiny girl to friend: You're not fat, you're Santa Claus-esque. Get it right, whore.

Coronado Middle School
Coronado, California

Overheard by: they won the game

Nanny (in thick Irish accent): Get over here right now!
(little girl does not move)
Nanny: Jesus sees you!
(little girl still not moving)
Nanny: Santa sees you, and you’ll get nothing!
(little girl runs to nanny)

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Charles