Salesman to guy purchasing new phone: Yeah, we can totally transfer all your contacts and calendar and stuff to this new phone.
Guy (in English accent): Well, can you do that on this other model?
Salesman: No, you can't transfer your contacts from your old one to this model.
Guy (in English accent): Oh, that doesn't matter. I don't have any friends.

Austin, Texas

40-something driver to friend: So I saw some interesting roadkill the other day…

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Another chupacabra?

Woman #1: Hey, you look good.
Woman #2: Thanks! I’ve been working out… Wanna feel my ass? [Protrudes her rear.]

Arlington, Texas

Overheard by: AmadeusMaxwell

Queer to friend: It's pretentious, it's stupid, it sucks, and I love it.

Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: keeeem

Woman: I told you, I will not use Downy fabric softener ever again. Pick something else!
Boyfriend: What? ‘Cause it says ‘April Fresh’? Oh, come on!
Woman: I don’t want anything with your ex-girlfriend’s name on it. I’m not gonna be reminded of April every damn time I do laundry.

Big 8 Grocery Store
El Paso, Texas

Boyfriend: If we were in person right now, I would totally suck your face right now.
Girlfriend: We *are* in person.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.
(they walk on casually)

Memorial City Mall
Houston, Texas

Random board gamer: Settlers of Catan was created in the bowels of hell to make otherwise intelligent people say: “I have wood for sheep.”

Epoch Coffee
Austin, Texas

Guy: My parents seem fake. My parents' friends seem really really fake.

Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas

Girl: I want a squirrel.
Friend: I want a cheeseburger.

Austin, Texas

30-something white guy on cell: It may be an all-time low, but I can successfully whack it to Telemundo.

Frisco, Texas