Worker: My wife is pregnant!
Boss: Do you have a project plan for this?
Worker: Uh…
Boss: What’s the planned date of completion?
Worker: … May?
Boss: Hope you’ve done a risk analysis.

Coworker: Where were you? You were meant to be in work at 7!
Drunk Slovakian guy arriving at work: I drank Jack Daniels until 5 this morning, then went to bed. I woke at nine and fucked Jane, then got my brother to drop me off at work.

Northern Ireland

Chick: I got, like, suspended three times in five days.
Coworker: I only got suspended once, but that was just ’cause I cut this bitch with a razor.
Chick, to customer: Thank you, sir.

Dunwoody, Georgia

Overheard by: blur

Library worker #1: Do I have to lick it?
Library worker #2: … What?
Library worker #1: The envelope. Do I have to lick it?
Library worker #2: You could tape it, I guess…
Library worker #1: Great, because after last night, I am totally out of saliva.

Main Library, Kent State University
Kent, Ohio

Ebullient coworker on phone: The last thing I saw of Jane* was a nude picture of her taking a bath. It’s her dad’s fault.

Overheard by: sxoidmal

Dish hand: Did you fuck it all up again, chef?
Chef: Sure did.
Dish hand: You do this every fucking shift.
Chef: Yeah, but my wife’s hot.
Dish hand: That is not a valid defense!


NASA intern guy #1: I think your fish are gay… Like, 99 percent sure. Look, they’ve got vertical bars.
NASA intern guy #2: They so want each other.
NASA intern guy #1: They do. And it’s not unrequited. Look, they both have vertical bars!

NASA Ames Research Center
Silicon Valley, California

Call center girl to coworker who just hung up: Did he tell you he was going to come over here and rub one off?

Overheard by: keep him away from my potato salad

Person #1: But isn’t that lying?
Person #2: Don’t worry about it, it’s only for your security clearance.

Bingo number caller: I pick up lots of chicks, G-56. But when I don’t, I masturbate, B-8.

Overheard by: bingo player