Stand Back, People

30-something Catholic to girlfriend: I think I'm giving up masturbation for lent. (long pause) I think I might just give up masturbation.

Norman, Oklahoma

Posted on May 17, 2011
Christianity, Holidays, Masturbation, Oklahoma, Religious fanatics

I Would Do Anything for Love, but I Won't Do That, Timmy.

Man: What do you want for Christmas?
Chubby boy: Meatloaf.

Brownstone Diner
Jersey City, New Jersey

Posted on December 31, 2010
Fat people, Food, Guys, Holidays, New Jersey, Questions, Wishes

First Of All, It's Totally Disgusting That He Rode a Niña

Wife: Are you sure your office isn't closed for Columbus Day?
Husband: No, we could opt to take it off rather than the Friday after Thanksgiving.
Wife: Oh, that would be dumb.
Husband: Yeah. Besides, I think Columbus was kind of an a-hole.

Nashville, Tennessee

Posted on December 4, 2010
Couples, Holidays, Insults, Questions, Tennessee

My Agent's Grooming Me for Beverly Hills Begging

Beggar #1: Spare change?
Beggar #2: Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
Beggar #1: I just got back from California.

Boston, Massachusetts

Posted on November 28, 2010
Holidays, Homeless, Massachusetts, Money, Weirdness

With His Seductive Banjo Music?

Hispanic girlfriend: Why the hell do you get Cesar Chavez Day off of work? Do you even know who Cesar Chavez is?
White boyfriend: Didn't he drive the snakes out of Mexico?

Orange County, California

Overheard by: Hispanic girlfriend

Posted on September 4, 2009
Animals, California, Couples, History, Holidays, Latinas, Questions, Stupidity, Whiteys

…I Suddenly Had a Brilliant Idea.

Lady #1: My husband and I are going to Vegas tomorrow for four days. Our only trip without the kids. I am ticked because today I got my period.
Lady #2: Oh, what a pain in the ass.
Lady #1: Ahhhh?!

Hamburg, Michigan

Posted on June 20, 2009
Backdoor, Comebacks, Family ties, Health & Hygiene, Holidays, Michigan, Women

The Chemical Element?

Drunk man to another: If I had a nose like fluorine I wouldn't be wishing anyone a merry Christmas.

Bar
Edinburgh
Scotland

Overheard by: Jesse Green

Posted on June 17, 2009
Bars & Clubs, Body parts, Compare and contrast, Default, Drunks, Guys, Holidays, Scotland, Wishes

Jeez, You're So Literal

Woman, holding up holiday card: This card is perfect! It says exactly what I want! (reads typical greeting card poem)
Man: Wow, it really says that?
Woman: Well, I made part of it up.

Fred Meyer Store
Oregon

Posted on April 28, 2009
Default, Guys, Holidays, Offers and requests, Oregon, Questions, Stores, Women

Is That What You Call Your Vagina?

Cashier to woman buying lots of sex toys and lingerie two days after Valentine's Day: Sweetie, you're a little late for Valentine's Day.
Woman: No matter. It's always a good time to freshen up the prop closet.

Touch of Romance
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: awesome

Posted on March 26, 2009
California, Clothes, Default, Employees, Fashion, Holidays, Stores, Toys, Women

But the Sombrero Is Just for Style

Prof: Is today Cinco de Mayo?
Girl: No, that's in a few days.
Prof: Well, I had a few shots of tequila when I got up this morning, just in case.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Face

Posted on September 22, 2008
Default, Drinking & drunks, Holidays, Questions, Teachers, Washington, Weirdness

Holidays