Missouri

Naked dude #1: I'm really surprised by how long it is.
Naked dude #2: Yeah… It's quite long.

Locker Room
Kansas City, Missouri

Woman on cell: Slowly… over the next week… add a fruit.

Barnes & Noble
St. Louis, Missouri

Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal–well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits–front, over-wing and rear–wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.

Runway
St. Louis Airport, Missouri

Black lady #1, after riding Superman: Did you sit on them tree sides?
Black lady #2: No, I didn't.
Black lady #1: You should've! You could see them motherfuckin' trees! And I was like “what the fuck!” I mean, I was cussing my ass off!
Black lady #2: So that was you?

St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Emma

Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain’t gettin’ no shot.
Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain’t gettin’ no shot. They shootin’ your sister today.

Hospital Hill
Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: I always wondered what went on in there

Nursing instructor, about simulation dummy: Can in blink? Yes. Can it vomit? Yes. Can it urinate? Yes. Can it tell you what hurts? Yes.
Nursing student: Can it take you on a date?

Penn Valley Community College
Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: Nurse Badass

Little girl to mom: Umbrellas are some of my dearest friends!

Chinese restaurant
St. Louis, Missouri

Drunk brunette: I'm so ready! I wanna fuck! I mean, you and Ryan* fuck! All the time! I know you do!
Sober blonde: Please don't ever say that again.
Drunk brunette: Fine, prude! You and Ryan* make loooove all the time, right?!
Sober blonde: Could you please just say “have sex”? This is so weird.

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: i*agree

Blonde in jacket: I know this guy that totally disemboweled a bomb using only a toothpick.
Demeaning guy friend: “Disemboweled”?
Blonde in jacket: With nothing but a toothpick! Isn't that incredible?

Denny's
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Gabe

Guy to girl: I know these people out in Colorado, and they're like totally brother and sister, and they're married! I mean, they had to sign something saying they'd never have children, but they're totally married!

Nightclub Bathroom
Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: RW