Ex-husband: I can’t believe you brought a date to our divorce hearing.
Ex-wife: Fuck you! You hooked up with a girl in court.
Ex-husband: I didn’t “hook-up” with her, we made plans for lunch today.
Ex-wife: And that’s better?
Ex-husband: Actually, it’s quite impressive. I rock, you suck, I’m getting laid tonight.
Ex-wife: I got laid last night.
Ex-husband: That’s because you are a dirty hooker.
San Diego Family Court
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sean
Pilot: Before we start our ascent, an important question: Anyone here from the North Allegheny high school class of ’68? [silence] I always ask. I’m hoping at some point I’ll find my old girlfriend.
JetBlue flight
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Ladle
Professor: Can anyone give me an example of an equal relationship?
Student: Husband and wife?
Professor: Oh, you’re so idealistic…
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Woman to man: She said that if she leaves her husband, I can have the handcuffs.
UC Berkeley’s campus
Berkeley, California
Townie to his friend: Yeah well, just because you don’t like your fat wife doesn’t mean I don’t!
Plaza Restaurant
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alyssa
Middle school chick: Sir, are you married?
Substitute teacher: That’s a very personal question. That’s like if I asked you, “Has it started yet?”
Terman Middle School
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: heerothewizard
Cute girl to other cute girls: Yeah, she needs a couple more months in LA until we can be friends with her…
Los Angeles, California
Smug TA: While I was with her I was doing crack. She had no idea.
Auraria Campus
Denver, Colorado
Girl #1: At least he didn’t say what JD said to me the other night. He said I was boring in the bedroom because I didn’t try new things.
Girl #2: Oh my god!
Girl #1: Yeah and I told him, well how am I supposed to know what to do? I was a virgin before you. Well, not literally a virgin, but close enough!
Girl #2: So what are you going to do?
Girl #1: Well, I told him that when we go on vacation, we can have a threesome. But it has to be someone I’ll never see again.
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: Slutgers Girl
Serious drunk guy: I made babies with a woman!
BrewFest
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Drunk Girl
