Girl #1: So my computer is dead, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Girl #2: What do you think is wrong with it?
Girl #1: It’s got a virus. But it was totally worth it.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah? Why?
Girl #1: Well, Mary* and I were curious and wanted to know if midgets’ dicks are normal‐sized or midget‐sized, so we were looking up midget porn.
Girl #2: And the verdict is?
Girl #1: They’re normal‐sized. This one guy was seriously a tripod. It’s incredible.
Male bartender: Yeah, I can see how that would be worth a completely devastating virus on your computer. Can you write down the website you found it on?

Killarney’s Pub
Hamilton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Currrly!

(five‐year‐old boy is slapping and punching packages of beef and pork)
Father: Josh! Stop slapping the meat.
Bystander: (laughs out loud)
Father (hissing): No! Not that!

Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: TK

Bartender to woman with two drinks: Double‐fisting it tonight? You must be really thirsty.
Woman, patting stomach: Well, I’m drinking for two.
Bartender, excited: Congratulations!

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Emma

Barman to another: I was looking forward to being miserable this weekend, but it seems to have turned out quite nicely.

Overheard by: Raptor

Lesbian bartender: I am so mad right now.
Gay bartender (affectionately touching her cheek): Awwww…honey… You shaved!

Boston, Massachusetts

Bartender: I can’t believe she rides her bike to work.
Waitress: Well, she lives just around the corner.
Bartender: I don’t care. If I lived in the parking lot, I would still drive to work.

Phoenix, Arizona

Customer, bursting through door: Is there a gentleman here named “male libido?“
Bartender: Yep!

Prescott, Arizona

Overheard by: The Colinator

Bartender: The answer was “The North Sea.” We did not accept “Nordic” or “Norse.“
Guy: But my hand has a lisp!

Dude at bar: So wait, after her husband left her here by herself – completely shitfaced – she then fucked a total stranger in the bathroom?
Bartender: Yep.
Dude at bar: And then she came back out here bragging about getting banged in the ass?
Gay dude, sidling up: Sounds like an awesome night.

District Bar
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Big D

Bartender: So, what do you do?
Girl: I work at the morgue dissecting babies. Y’know, cutting them to get skin samples.
Bartender: Really?
Girl: Yeah. We call it ‘the baby grinder.‘
Bartender: That’s disgusting.
Girl: What’s really gross is every time I do it I get really hungry.