Bartenders

And Can I Use Your Leg As a Scratching Post?

Patron #1: Keith is really sorry to have acted like that.
Bartender: Does he even realize how drunk he was?
Patron #1: I’m just saying, that is not the Keith we know
Patron #2: [starts laughing].
Bartender: Well, he is a nice guy, he just gets too drunk.
Patron #1: I’m just letting you know, that according to all the cats he knows, you are the meow [makes a pawing gesture].
Bartender: Okay, how drunk are you?
Patron #2: He doesn’t even know who Keith is.
Patron #1: Where are we?

Bennigans
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Chris

As I Have Noticed Your Lack of Training Wheels

Drunk girl in bar to bartender: You should be so lucky as to have sex with me.
Bartender: I wouldn’t fuck you for practice.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: warm ups?

Whatever. Starving Children in Nigeria Don’t Even Have Earlobes.

Bartender: Geez, Hank, you’re looking great these days. Been working out?
Chubby Jewish guy: Yeah. I tell ya, I’ve been trying to lose the spare tire, but I lost it all in my earlobes instead. It’s a cruel world.

Suami’s India Garden Resturant
Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: Jeebus McGee

Using the Men’s Room Cam

Male bartender: So, let’s all take off our shirts and then you can take pictures of us.
Waitress: Oh, we already did that!

http://www.overheardinminneapolis.com/2007/05/whatever_gets_you_bigger_tips.html

Overheard by: the next table over

We’re Roommates

Bartender: You again? I see you everywhere — you’re like a sewer rat.
Drunk guy: Well, I am an alcoholic.

Cedar Falls, Iowa

Overheard by: doe

How Do You Think the Lollipop Guild Got Their Name?

Girl #1: So my computer is dead, and I don't know how to fix it.
Girl #2: What do you think is wrong with it?
Girl #1: It's got a virus. But it was totally worth it.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah? Why?
Girl #1: Well, Mary* and I were curious and wanted to know if midgets' dicks are normal-sized or midget-sized, so we were looking up midget porn.
Girl #2: And the verdict is?
Girl #1: They're normal-sized. This one guy was seriously a tripod. It's incredible.
Male bartender: Yeah, I can see how that would be worth a completely devastating virus on your computer. Can you write down the website you found it on?

Killarney's Pub
Hamilton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Currrly!

And Stop Pulling the Pork!

(five-year-old boy is slapping and punching packages of beef and pork)
Father: Josh! Stop slapping the meat.
Bystander: (laughs out loud)
Father (hissing): No! Not that!

Safeway
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: TK

This Calls for Our Complimentary “Maternity” Shot

Bartender to woman with two drinks: Double-fisting it tonight? You must be really thirsty.
Woman, patting stomach: Well, I’m drinking for two.
Bartender, excited: Congratulations!

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Emma

Why Alcohol Exists.

Barman to another: I was looking forward to being miserable this weekend, but it seems to have turned out quite nicely.

http://www.violaraptor.co.uk/2011/06/quotebook-january-may-2011/

Overheard by: Raptor

And Tucked in Your Gunt

Lesbian bartender: I am so mad right now.
Gay bartender (affectionately touching her cheek): Awwww…honey… You shaved!

Boston, Massachusetts

© 2026 OverheardEverywhere.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist