Man on cell: I just need to know that he didn’t cum in your mouth!

South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Amelia

Large black dude on cell: What?!… Okay… His sperm is alive and well and kicking.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Nate

Geology teacher: That is dew that is on your glass of joy juice.

Olympia, Washington

Girlfriend: I'm gonna get a black wig and a skirt, and I'm putting body-glitter on you and doing your hair like you're in 90210 and you're going as Edward. It'll be like ironic.
Boyfriend: I'm gonna put some mayonnaise on my pants and go as that “jizzed in my pants” guy.
Girlfriend: No, you're not.

Gainesville, Florida

Woman #1, approaching register counter: Ooh! Kinder eggs! I love those things!
Woman #2: What are they?
Woman #1: They're chocolate! With something inside!
Cashier: They're hollow chocolate eggs.
Woman #1: With a surprise inside!
Woman #2: Ew!
Cashier: It's a toy.
Woman #2: Oh. A toy.
Cashier: Whoa, okay, just imagine you were a kid again, and what a surprise meant when you were a kid.
Woman #2: I know… I know. It's just, adult surprises are never fun.
Woman #1, walking out of store: What were you thinking it was going to be? A penis that would squirt all over you?
Woman #2: You never know! Adult surprises are always bad!

San Francisco, California

Blonde: So if you don't swallow it, where does it go?
Brunette, exasperated: I don't know, I dodge it!

Amherst, Massachusetts

Male student to another, seriously: So you just came in your pants?

Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
Troy, New York

Cashier on cell phone: I mean… What’s the problem? Ejaculating? Is he ejaculating too much or too little? Which is the problem?

New Jersey

Overheard by: allison

Male bartender: Why'd you open a new grenadine? We have an open one right here. See? Cherry drips all over it.
Female bartender: I got your cherry drips right here. (pause) Wait. Never mind.

St. Louis Park, Minnesota

Overheard by: Whelan

60-year-old dad to son while leaving restaurant: Thanks for joining us for lunch. It was good. Now I can go home and spread my seed.

Chinese restuarant, 5 Mile and Merriman Road
Livonia, Michigan