I Want the Human Race to Pack This Planet Like a Sausage

English professor: Just think of all the eggs that are wasted every time a woman doesn’t get pregnant… That’s what I do.

Montevallo, Alabama

Posted on March 26, 2026
Alabama, Cum, Default, Education, Euphemisms, Pregnancy, School [Elem., Middle, & High], Teachers

So Thanks for Letting Me Into Yale

Hipster guy: Yeah, it probably didn’t help that I gave you poison ivy and then threw up on you.

Bar
Columbia, Missouri

Posted on March 24, 2026
Bars & Clubs, Default, Etiquette, Guys, Health & Hygiene, Hipsters, Maladies, Missouri, Relationships, Weirdness

Out of What?

Five-year-old boy: How old are you?
Tutor: Twenty.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, well, do you know how to make a monkey?

Dallas, Texas

Posted on March 21, 2026
Age and ageing, Animals, Default, Education, Guys, Kids, Questions, School [Elem., Middle, & High], Science, Teachers, Texas, Wishes

That’s What You Said During Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Random kid: Oh god! This is going to turn into a pregnancy fetish porno.

While seeing Juno
Peabody, Massachusetts

Posted on March 18, 2026
Customers, Default, Fears, Feelings, Massachusetts, Movies, Porn

I Got Strung Up by My Ankles at an AC/DC Concert for That Mistake

English teacher: A rhetorical question is a question you don’t expect an answer to. When a band yells, “Are you ready to rock?”, they’re not actually expecting someone to yell back, “Not quite, give us a couple more minutes.”

Hume-Fogg High School
Nashville, Tennessee

Posted on March 17, 2026
Compare and contrast, Default, Education, Questions, School [Elem., Middle, & High], Teachers, Tennessee, Words

Try the Cap’n Cramps

Woman in cereal aisle: Where’s the one that makes you poop?

Fry’s
Tucson, Arizona

Posted on March 14, 2026
Arizona, Default, Food, Health & Hygiene, Poop, Questions, Stores, Women

Almost Like She Thinks I’m a Smartass

Guy #1: I think I fucked up my chance with Jen.
Guy #2: Why? what did you do?
Guy #1: Well she’s religious, and she sent me a text today that says, “I get real emotional on Good Friday.” so I write back, ‘I get real emotional on filet-o-fish Fridays.’ She hasn’t responded since.

Burbank, California

Overheard by: James Jameson

Posted on January 10, 2026
California, Christianity, Compare and contrast, Default, Feelings, Friends, Guys, Holidays

Even We Winced at This One

Man #1: So she looks up at me with this, look, right? And she grips my dick real hard and then gets this terrified look as she picks it off on my pubes…
Man #2: Oh, dude, I’m gonna vomit.
Man #1: It was a fucking dingleberry. And it wasn’t mine, dude.

Gym
Oregon