New Jersey

Guy: You!
Smoking, unsuspecting girl: Me? What'd I do?
Guy: Do you know how lonely it's been since you and Dave* quit smoking? Then everyone started to quit! And now you're smoking again?! At first it was all cute: “Awwww, Emily and Dave* are quitting together! They're like each other's rocks!” Then what happened?!
Smoking girl, sheepishly: We sunk.
Guy: And was it your idea for Dave to start rolling his own cigarettes?!
Smoking girl: Yes…
Guy, exasperated: Every time I ask him for a cigarette, it's like smoking a diaper!

New Jersey

Teenage girl, talking about singer at concert: It was like Star Wars, except we weren't fighting with lightsabers and my hand didn't get cut off. Oh, and he was onstage and couldn't see me.

Rumson, New Jersey

Boyfriend: You ask too many questions! For every question you ask, you have to give me a blowjob!
Girlfriend, happily: Okay!
Boyfriend: Damn it!

Jersey City, New Jersey

Hairdresser to client in salon: I really like Egypt, you know? I feel like I have a connection to Egypt, like I was there in a past life. Like, I was watching this show on the History Channel about Egypt? Or some place? And they have three religions there? The first one was this religion where everybody kisses this wall? Mmm-mm-mm-mm. They were making out with this wall! They loved that wall. And then the next religion, god told Abraham to kill his son? What kind of crazy religion is that? And then the third religion was all these people standing up, and bending down.
Client: They were probably Muslims. They were praying towards Mecca…
Hairdresser: Uh huh. And I said to my boyfriend, “that's good exercise.” I was going to watch more, but Dancing with the Stars was on.

Collingswood, New Jersey

Girl to teacher, about Underground Railroad: Wait… didn't the white people hear the train go by?

High School
Clark, New Jersey

Overheard by: Sweeney

Teenage girl: Potato chips are like flakes of god's skin.

Rumson, New Jersey

Girl to boyfriend: Hold on, sweetie, I need to give my sister a call.
Boyfriend: No. I can't stop making out with you.

Cherry Hill, New Jersey

Little boy: Mommy, come here! I have a present for you!
(mom comes over, little boy proceeds to dump a bucket of water over her head).
Little boy: Did you like it?
Mom: No.
(little boy dumps another bucket of water on her head)

Neighborhood Pool
New Jersey

Overheard by: CMac

13-year-old preppy white girl: It be sneakah time, ya'll!

Deptford Mall
Deptford, New Jersey

Girlfriend: Hold my hand, Eric. Please.
Boyfriend, yelling: No! Just stop it, okay?
Girlfriend: Come on. Just hold my hand.
Boyfriend: No! I'm not doing that again.
Girlfriend, laughing: Aw, why not?
Boyfriend: Because last time you licked my face!

Lawrenceville, New Jersey

Overheard by: Jake