Professor: So, I can see that some of you try to care about my feelings, and others don't give a fig.
Student #1: Whoa! Could you not use such harsh vegetables?
(entire class goes silent)
Student #2: I didn't know a “fig” was a vegetable.
Student #3: I thought it was a grape. A dried grape.
Johnson & Wales University
Providence, Rhode Island
Jappy milf #1: I just feel like all I do is sell houses. And I hate it. I just hate my life!
Jappy milf #2: Ugh, I know. We really need to get out of Armonk!
Jappy milf #1: I know. I hate my house! I hate everything in it! My life is horrible here!
Armonk, New York
Drunk girl, burying head into boyfriend's arm: I'm upset with my mother. She expects me to take care of me.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Fallon
Guy: Didn’t you have a friend who lost her virginity to her shoe?
Green haired girl: Yeah. She fell on her foot and ruptured it or something. Like riding a horse.
Pink haired girl: What the fuck?
Guy: Told you!
Green haired girl: I felt bad when she told us because I was the only one busting up laughing.
California
Guy with girl #1, yelling: Oh, hey! How's it going? I love your haircut!
Guy with girl #2, walking in opposite direction: Thank you.
Guy #1: Thank you!
Guy #2: You're welcome.
Guy #1: I love you!
Guy #2: I love you, too.
Olympia, Washington
Girl: I hate violinists!
Boy: What?
Girl: Violinists.
Boy: Oh. I thought you said “gang-bangers.”
BART Airport Train
San Francisco, California
Hobo: Do you know what the world needs more of?
Coffee employee: Love?
Hobo: Nope, toothpicks… but love was a good guess.
Sacramento, California
Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal–well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits–front, over-wing and rear–wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.
Runway
St. Louis Airport, Missouri
Professor: So, basically god has to suppress the gag reflex when he looks at you; but it's okay because he loves you anyway.
University of Akron
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Rebecca
