Insults

…She Put Two Drinks Up There?

Sorority girl to another, sitting in booth: Girl, I was double-fisted all night long last night!
Gay dude #1, quite loudly, to gay dude #2: Oh my god! That is so nasty! Who on earth would ever say something like that out in public! I wouldn't want anyone to know that anyone could do anything like that to me, let alone enjoy it! Nasty bitches!
Gay dude #2 to gay dude #1, very quietly: Um, I think she meant she had a drink in both hands, you idiot.
Gay dude #1: Oh.

Chinese Restaurant
Lexington, Kentucky

Overheard by: j-we

Once You Have Kids, Santa Loses All Respect for You

Crazy, bearded old man: Have you seen Bobby lately?
Ohio state trooper: No. His wife just had a baby, so he’s on leave for a while.
Crazy, bearded old man: Well, the next time you see him, tell him Santa Claus says [blows a raspberry].

Goshen, Ohio

Overheard by: Michael

Is That Even Possible?

Jersey Shore fan: Can you put on Jersey Shore? It's the reunion!
Bartender: Sure, I was kind of hoping someone would ask.
Female drinker: Wow, I am going to watch this dumbass show in a bar, is this happening?
Jersey Shore fan: You love it, don't try to lie cause your boys are here.
Bartender: These people are crazy, and that's why we watch.
Bar patron: I cant believe I am watching the reunion show without having seen a full episode. You are right: I cant stop watching this. What the fuck? Is her name J-Lo?
Jersey Shore fan: J… Wow! She is awesome, snookie is my favorite. I wish I could be friends with her.
Bartender: You have enough slutty friends.

Bar
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Earnie Hustleton

The Fact That I Never Received Payment

Lesbo on cell: What part of ‘You’re a dirty whore I wish I’d never fucked’ do you not understand?!

Austin, Texas

Doesn’t Seem Like Much of a Stretch for Either of Us

Preppy guy: You’re such a bitch, Alexandra.
Alexandra: Thanks?
Preppy guy: No, in a good way.
Alexandra: How can you be a bitch in a good way?
Preppy guy: You’re the kind of bitch that makes me wish I was gay so we could sit at an outside cafe and make fun of people’s outfits when they walk by.

Starbucks, Newbury Street
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: i want to, too!

Just the Guy We’ve Been Looking For!

Scientologist: Excuse me, sir. Would you like a free personality test from the Church of Scientology?
Suit: I don’t need one. My wife says I’m an asshole.

Outside Church of Scientology, Yonge Street
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: lauren mcgoldrick

Yadda Yadda Yadda, Now He's a “She”

Bro #1: What a douchebag move!
Bro #2: Seriously. He glued it to the car. He could have just taped it!

Suburbia, Maryland

And Well-Deserved

Gym bunny #1: … So then he said I must not be paying attention to my practice if I had so much to say about his.
Gym bunny #2: Oooh, that’s a yoga slap if I’ve ever heard one!

Donkey Coffee
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: Lisa

Sweetie, You're Not Even Wearing a Shirt Today.

Girl #1: For Halloween we should dress up as something we're not!
Girl #2: Then I'm going as a slut!
(other girls in the group stay silent and look awkward)
Girl #2: Bitches!

California

Good Thing Pluto Didn’t Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You’re a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I’m good-looking. You’re-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I’ll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you’re gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex’s dick when you’re supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she’s going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

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