California

Freshman: My professor just compared Karl Marx to Jesus. I am not feeling it.

Claremont Colleges
Claremont, California

Middle aged gay man on cell: Mother, stop making excuses. You chose to live in a government hellhole named Canada. You could have gone somewhere like Detroit, but nooooo…

Starbucks
Los Angeles, California

Professor: And, as you know, Sweden has the strictest rape laws in America.

UCLA, California

Furious hobo in tie-dye to frightened college student: You know why girls wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink! God bless you.

Berkeley, California

Girl on cell: I was about to go home, so I told Bob* to get the cheese because I'd brought it over so George* coud make a cheesy bagel, right? So Bob* brings me the cheese but then he starts massaging my back, and I fall asleep with the cheese. I wake up like a half hour later and he's doing it to me, so I grab the cheese, say goodnight, and leave. And after that, whenever I saw someone eat a piece of that cheese I felt sooo weird. But now it's all eaten, the evidence is gone, and what that cheese witnessed will never be revealed.

Outside Westfield Mall
San Diego, California

Skinny Latina girl, insistently: I didn't lead him on! But we had sex.

Berkeley, California

College girl #1: I have never taken my shirt off!
College girl #2: Wait, didn't you wear a see-through one before?
College girl #1: That was you, you whore!

UC Santa Cruz
California

Overheard by: Eric

Patron #1: Yeah, but everything's different in Hawaii. You can't even buy land there unless you were born there.
Patron #2: Actually, you can.
Patron #1: Yeah, but all their laws are different than ours.
Patron #2: You know that Hawaii is a state, right?

Starbucks
California

Guy: So she lied to me. She said she wasn't eighteen.
Girl: How old was she?
Guy: Nineteen. And she said she wasn't a stripper.

Berkeley, California

Guy to crowd of housemates: See, this is the kind of toilet we want–it's rated to be able to flush one kilo of material at a time.
Girl: How many kilos does a newborn weigh?

Home Depot
Oakland, California

Overheard by: Alchemist George