Queer #1: Ugh. All I know is that pussy smells like ass. I tried once in high school, and I was all, ‘Oooh, that smells like ass!’ and so I tried one more time, and it still smelled like ass.
Queer #2: Well, we know one thing for sure — your ass must smell like pussy.
Cleo’s, Chicago Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: EEE
Woman to friend: If I was married to him, I'd love my horse, too.
Seagrove, North Carolina
Best Shakespeare professor ever: I love metaphors. Metaphors be with you!
College of St. Rose
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Erin
Girl to friend: That’s the last time I catch a falling baby.
Farmington Valley, Connecticut
Grandmother, about tantrum-throwing child: I think it might be time to put her to sleep.
Mother: Yeah. Come on honey, we'll go home and have a nap!
Grandmother, under her breath: That's not what I meant.
Westfield Shopping Center
South Morang
Australia
Guy #1: Did you see the video where that girl shoots a banana out of her ass?
Guy #2: Yeah! And then she's like “I think there's still a strawberry up there!”
Clemson University
Clemson, South Carolina
Overheard by: starch
Customer, browsing selection of charm bracelets: Do you have any Nazi charm bracelets? My daughter loves that stuff!
Craft vendor: Uh…no.
Craft Show
San Diego, California
Five-year-old boy, loudly interrupting adults: I have a wedgie!
(adults laugh)
Five-year-old boy: This wedgie train is carrying wedgies!
Green Line
Boston, Massachusetts
Professor, on Milton's Paradise Lost: What was it that Adam and Eve had in the Garden of Eden that none of you have?
Student #1: Innocence?
Professor: Aaaand?
Student #2: A perfect relationship with god?
Professor: Aaaaand?
Student #3: Sex organs?
Entire class: (stares, then starts laughing)
Professor: Do you have something you'd like to share with the class, young man?
UMass
Amherst, Massachusetts
